Wednesday, March 28, 2007

A Sulk Before Bedtime

I’m sulking and I don’t feel like coming out to play tonight.

Well, okay… If you insist, but I’m telling you that there’s a glint in the The Chipster’s eye tonight. You really don’t want to cross him.

I’m moody. I guess you know that about me by now. Some nights I feel like telling you a story about my day and then other times I get all serious and thoughtful. Nobody reads those pieces, no matter how much I work at them. And I then feel yay high to a daisy. That’s when I begin to brood.

Today has been one of those days when the world seems to have gone out of its way to rile me. So, in the hope that it will lead to some psychological cleansing, I’ve made a list of the things that have led me to this moment, sitting with a bottle of whisky at my elbow and growling menacing threats at the TV.

Things That Have Really Got On The Chipster’s Nerves Today

1. Getting very few emails from real people. I like emails from real people. I hate newsletters. I hate sale information. And I hate SPAM. Today I received an unbelievable amount of SPAM. Hence…

2. Spammers. How many deposed Presidents of the Congo are there and why do their widows always write to me to ask to use my bank account? It’s this kind of irritating behaviour which probably got them deposed in the first place. I’m beginning to think exile was too good for them.

3. The news that Vic Reeves has landed a book deal for his short stories. Do you know how much of a market there is for short stories? None. That’s why people don’t tend to write them. They don’t sell as books. Unless, I suppose, they’re written by a celebrity. Which makes it all right. Pass me the whisky…

4. Professionalism. I’m surrounded by it and it’s ruining blogging. I hate these people who run blogs full of ‘professional advice’. These are the same vacuous fools who go on ‘The Apprentice’ but have no idea about how to do a job. They are the people who take their CVs more seriously than their qualifications or their ability to do a job. I am so much more than my CV.

5. Spamming professionals. People who leave comments on blogs that are tangentially related to the subject of the blog they’ve created full of tedious ‘life advice’. You mention something about CVs and along they come, with their holier than thou attitudes.
6. I hated staring at Steve McLaren look out at me from the TV screen all day. It was like looking at a death spasm. I really needed the whisky.

7. The most beautiful weather of the day but stuck listening to next door’s gardener playing his music too loud and occasionally shouting the length of the garden to announce that he’s dug up the skeleton of yet another of their daughter’s previous pets.

8. The woman in Tesco asking me if I wanted help packing my bags. I’m beginning to think I should just say ‘yes’.

9. Will Farrell has made another lousy movie. Anchorman was terribly unfunny. Yet I forgive him so much because of the ‘More Cowbells’ sketch he did on Saturday Night Live. The whisky makes me do crazy things…

10. My back has been aching again but if I don’t perform on Saturday night, I'll have no money for next week.

11. The prospect of having to get a job. The prospect of giving up my blog. The prospect of working in Tesco, asking people if they want me to pack their Will Ferrell DVDs in their shopping bags, before spending an afternoon discussing my professional career profile with somebody in management who longs for nothing more than to get on The Apprentice or marrying a rich SPAM King from the Congo.

I’m now going to bed sober but I’m sure to have a hangover in the morning.

Night night.


Anonymous said...

Chip, Hey, welcome to the Curmudgeon Club - it is actually a sign of our superior intelligence that we find this crap irritating - I mean you would have to be pretty brainless not to find it bothering you...

The neighbours thing is a bane on modern life - but a sharp word can often nip these things in the bud.

But ultimately if it really does get to you, moving may be the best alternative..especially if you have killed them and buried them under the patio..

Tesco - Uugghh.. Sorry but if you do shop there I have limited sympathy for you - the screw the farmers and they treat customers like drongos - go to some of the older, smaller shops instead.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm... Look on the bright side - I have Symantec anti-virus, anti-spam, anti-excitement software on my PC, so I never get to hear about these money making opportunities and tales of danger and excitement from the dark continent...

Bizarre thing about Vic Reeves - he has got a book deal on the back of his 'famous name' - But Vic Reeves is just a 'made up name' !!!!

Maybe you just need to make up an equally famous 'nom de plume' ??

nil desperandum - it will all work out for you in the end. and in any case it is better than a 'proper job' in an office full of droids and drongos...