Tuesday, March 13, 2007

A Romanian Compromise

I’ve just dropped in to report that Welsh / Romanian relations are as strong as ever. It’s been a morning of clearing the air and making new resolutions, at least half of which I intend to keep.

I had to promise Bangor’s chief bootlegger that I’d to try to take more of an interest in her hobbies and she agreed to go easy on the fermented spud juice. The only compromise I’ve been forced into making is to agree to go with her to one of her night courses at the local community college. That's where I've been all morning. Fighting my way through adolescents, filling in application forms, picking up my reading list. It was a world I’ve never seen before and, though it pains me to admit it, I quite enjoyed myself.

To be honest, I didn't expect to come back with a reading list. I was hoping for something a bit more manual. After a long argument where I tried to explain the benefits of learning how to become a plumber, Gabby demonstrated the very good reasons (they had knuckles) why I should join her Literature for Beginners course. I don’t mind that too much. Reading a few books can’t be that difficult and, as I’ve said in the past, we strippers tend to be a literate bunch on account of the long hours we have to wait between performances.

My only doubts now are about the books on the course. The list is longer than my arm and I’m a bit worried that there are no classics on there. There’s not a single Tom Clancy or Frederick Forsyth, for example. Not even a Stephen Leather or Jack Higgins. Instead, I’ve just been to the local bookshop where I had to spend a quite ridiculous amount of money on a copy of W.H. Auden’s poetry, which judging from a quick glance, is a bit light on terrorists, lacking in gun fights, and in fact, anything to keep a Welsh stripper interested. I mean, I have to ask you: do you think the guy even looks like a proper writer? Where's his U.S.S. George Washington baseball hat or his shooting jacket? He's not even smoking a cigar while posing with a high powered rifle.

Anyway, this afternoon we’re off to buy the rest of the books. I’ve reached the point now when I'd even settle for a Jeffrey Archer.

11 comments:

Arthur Clewley said...

you haven't seen Auden's finest works then chip, which include

'stop all the clocks or I'll blow you away mutherf***r!'

and

'here is the night train crossing the border, steven seagal keeping the terrorist hijackers in order'

there's a world of literature out there chip, you just need to reach out...

Chippy said...

Really? I didn't know he wrote that sort of thing.

I'll now go and have a look to see if I can find them. Perhaps I've been a bit too quick to dismiss the man.

Jan Tregeagle said...

Surely you haven't missed classics like:

"Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone/ We're going to rob this f***ing joint to pay my bank loan,/silence the pistols and with muffled drum/ prepare for war, let these terrorists come."

Chippy said...

Obviously, I've a lot to learn about Auden. I think I should gather these together and create an anthology of his most action-packed poems.

Jan Tregeagle said...

Perhaps Jack Higgins could write the foreword?

Ian said...

Who is the haggard looking bloke in the photograph?

I know it isn't James Joyce because I have had two Irishmen assure me that I look very much like James Joyce.

Unfortunately, the only photo of him I have seen that does look vaguely like me is one where he looked like a right twat.

Jan Tregeagle said...

Isn't it Auden?

Chippy said...

It is Auden. And I've been reading some of his stuff tonight and not a terrorist to be seen. Very disappointing. Not much of it rhymes either, which makes it all hard to figure out...

Ian, you look nothing like Joyce but at least this Welshman thinks you look much more like Peter Hitchen. :)

Jeremy Jacobs said...

and talking of Romanians, have you seen my "condom" post?

Atyllah said...

It's a thing I've noticed about humanity, no violence or porn = not interesting.

Mind you, Auden was a bit anal, wasn't he - I mean who carries on editing their work AFTER it's published. Clearly the man didn't have a life. I hope Chippy you won't end the same way after your Literature course. Books do strange things to a man...

Chippy said...

It seems that everybody knows more about Auden than I do. This is just proving that I should stick with this course. I never realised how badly educated I was.