Friday, June 08, 2007

I Need You Advice

I should really be doing other things, but instead of that, I here, now, with you, doing this. My devotion to you sometimes amazes even me. I’m sure you recognise it, as I’m also sure that you remembered to vote for me today in what is turning into a tight battle between myself and James Higham (I'm currently trailing by just a single vote). Yet I have to confess that I’m here with another motive other than a cheap appeal for your vote. I also need your advice.

You see, this morning, I received in the mail a large brown envelope. It was addressed to the Chipster and contained not one but two thongs. There was also a letter printed on high quality paper and embossed with a large silver seal. It’s not unusual for me to receive thongs in the post. In fact, it’s almost a daily occurrence. It’s rare, however, to find that they’re clean and accompanied by a letter which doesn’t involve graphic descriptions of how the thongs came to be so soiled.

Dear Mr. Dale,

I am writing to you on behalf of the membership of the BTS, which, as you might know, represents all lovers of thonglewear. The British Thong Society has been in existence for nearly seventy years now and we have established ourselves as being at the forefront of research, design, and promotion of thongs, V and G strings, and their derivatives, throughout the UK. Recently, our honourable chairman, Sir Thomas W. Jones died after a long illness unrelated to his lifetime spent wearing thongs and we are now in a position where we are looking for a new honorary chairman. Your name was mentioned.

We’ve been reading you blog for a while now and have followed your rise to the top tier of Welsh stripping with interest. We now feel both able and well justified in offering you the place at the head of our table. As honourary chairman, you will be expected to officiate at our yearly general meeting and to allow us to use your name on our stationary. There may be promotional work for which you will be suitably renumerated. The job is not salaried but, due to our close connections with the garment industry, we can provide you with complimentary thongs throughout the year. As you can see from the two pieces included with this letter, the thongs are of the highest quality and would be a credit to a man of your particular size and curvature of buttock.

I hope, Mr. Dale, you understand high honour we do you by offering you this post, and the honour you would do us should you accept. To be the symbol of British thong wearers is an honour only shared by two other men in the last century. You will be the first chairman to rise to that station in a new millennia and would be in a position to influence thong wearing for centuries to come.

If you would like to speak about this offer, please call me. We can make arrangements for a meeting and, if you could travel into London, you will find a welcome at our official club just off Shaftesbury Avenue.

I remain your most humble thong wearing servant,

Eliot P. Barnacle, Vice-Chairman

So, there you have it. I’ve been asked to become the Honorary Chairman of the British Thong Society. Do you think I should accept?

Gabby said yes, almost immediately. She thought she’d be able to call herself Lady and it took me a while to explain that I hadn’t been made a knight. Then she said I should only take the job if they could make me a knight and that just led to a more convoluted conversation explaining the role of the monarchy. I don’t think she fully understands and I swear her and Monica have nipped into town to have the word ‘Lady’ etched onto the blade of Gabby’s machete.

Personally, I’m tempted to say no, but I’m also aware that fate has made me the most well known proponent for thongs in the country. If I don’t symbolise the sheer beauty of the thread of silk clenched in a well-aired rump, then who does? Oh, I suppose there’s Fern Britton but do you really think she has the time? I'm sure she's too busy to devote herself to the kind of work the Society would require of its chairman.

I have the weekend to consider the offer. If you think I should or should not accept, I’d be grateful if you sent me an email or left a comment. I’ll take your silence as your disapproval and if there are more silences than there are comments, I’ll reject the offer and remain a humble Thonglateer.

Sometimes, one is born to greatness, while other people just have greatness thrust upon them. In my case, I believe I was born with a great thrust and what happens next is just a matter of letting you decide.

16 comments:

Paul said...

You should find out if there's free boozy dinner involved for yourself and your lovely Romanian. Then it's definitely a magnificent idea.

rilly super said...

chip, the only word of caution has to be regarding the risk of sitting in those leather armchairs beloved of such venerable institutions weaing only a thong, and the attendant airtight seal that may form betwixt the club's seat and your own. As long as you chair the AGM standing however I don't see a problem

Daily Referendum said...

Think of the of all the invites to News 24 as their resident expert on all thong related news. Get in there Chip.

Does the position come with some kind of ceremonial thong? Some little jewel encrusted ermine number?

King Thong!

Big Chip Dale said...

Paul, top tip. Many thanks. Booze is clearly vital to the post, should I take it up. But I was also wondering if I might not use my new found status to mix in more celebrated circles. I don't know if you know, but I've made it an ambition in life to introduce the double sling backed Australian posing pouch into the UK and was wondering if Clive James might be interested in endorsing it. I'm beginning to see that many possibilities come with this honour.

And dangers too... Damn, I hadn't thought of that Rilly! I've had some very back experiences sitting on PVC in hot weather. The fire brigade had to use a sharp metal spike to puncture a hole in the PVC in a very delicate place. With leather, I think it could be lethal. The suction from tightly honed greased buttocks is stronger, size for size, than that generated by a North Sea limpet. I am now warned and shall take precautions.

Big Chip Dale said...

Steve, I'll look into the jewelled thong, angle. You're right, of course. There should be some kind of status symbol. If there isn't, I'll make it my first duty to create one. I know I'm being quite light hearted about the whole thing, but I think it might be the sort of thing to get me out of the house and mixing in more influential circles.

If I can move quickly enough, I'll also get the membership moving and help you catch up to the 'UK News and Politics' in the Blog Power.

Jamie Starbuck said...

Yes. And they should make it law that upon your entrance a choir of schoolgirls sings Sisqo's Thong Song.

Lizzie said...

Ref: VICE chairman: 2 possible (at least) questions here I think. Only the best for the best surely?...

Big Chip Dale said...

Jamie, this is getting better and better. Pomp and circumstance done in thongs. It brings a tear to my eye. This feels like I founding a new dynasty, with rituals that will be handed down through generations of Dales. And it will last a thousand years...

Big Chip Dale said...

Lizzie, how did you know that 'Best' is my middle name? The whole thing is coming together splendidly. With such enthusiasm, how can I fail?

I think I'll fire off a reply to the society and see if they'll consider having a sculptor reproduce my loins in mahogany or teak.

Lizzie said...

Chip, we just met in cyberspace! I don't know how it was for you but the heavens sort of opened for me. (somehow) Oh.... I shall never forget 18.02..

Jan Tregeagle said...

Who needs King Thong when you can be God Thong! A religion dedicated to your buttocks, thongs and copious amounts of grease.

If Ron L. Hubbard can do it so can you! This is just the first step.

Big Chip Dale said...

Ah, Lizzie. If only I wasn't under the yoke of a Romanian with a large collection of very sharp knives. But at least we'll always have 18.02...

Jan, we won't have 18.02 and I'm bloody glad about that. I hope you won't take any offence. However, I'll certainly praise you for the ideas. You're quite the man for the inspired plans. A thong religion? Might interest Tom Cruise, who I met once during a shin-dig in Cardiff. Very small man but was interested in thongs. I'm sure I could get him interested. We just need some kind of obscure theology. Could you get cracking on that? I'm a bit busy this afternoon...

Jan Tregeagle said...

Obscure Theology? How does the cult of Kirrisi sound to you? Its as close as I can get to ancient thonglateering, very little is known and nobody worships it today. Plus as its a dead and buried cult one can have revalations and make 'discoveries' to your hearts content.

Big Chip Dale said...

Kirrisi? Hmm... I'll have to delve into this. I'll nip down to the local voodoo shop (we have a few of them in Bangor) and see if I can find any ancient texts I can pervert as my needs dictate. There could be something in this...

Lizzie said...

Ahhh...

Jan Tregeagle said...

Oh vodoo? Thats even better. You can mix any old animism nonsense together with bits of Christianity and, well, anything else you want. It's the gumbo of religions.