Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Corruption In Higham Places

Corruption! Scandal! Outrage! Hamsters with switchblades!

In my self-appointed role as moral guardian of the UK blogging scene, I’ve stumbled across some pretty shady operations in my time. Let’s not forget the night I sent the coast guard after that high profile blogger who we all knew to be attending illegal hamster fights on a freighter moored at the mouth of the Thames estuary. And I’m sure we all remember the photographs the police later released of the poor little creatures with knives sellotaped to their backs. Is it no wonder that certain people never mention such things in their blogs? And if you don’t believe me, go run a search and you’ll find that the same gentleman never mentions ‘hamsters duelling’. Condemned by his own words, you might say… Shameful.

Yet, no matter how great the depravity of my past discoveries, nothing could have prepared me for what I read this evening.

Tonight I found proof that The Blog Power Awards are fixed.

You heard me right. I said ‘fixed’ and I don’t mind revealing the extent of the corruption.

You see, I’ve discovered that they are nothing but a cheap popularity contest!

You ask how I know this? Well take a look for yourself. There are bloggers out there who are actively canvassing for votes.

I know what you’re thinking and I found it just as hard believe myself. To think that a man we all hold in such esteem is so desperate for approval that he’s asking his readers to email James Higham and nominate him for an award. You don’t see me asking for help, do you? And that’s despite my being nominated in two categories. All I can say is that I’ve had my illusions shattered. I’ve cancelled my order for a dozen black roll-necked sweaters and I’ll never pick up The Sunday Times again. I only worry which of my illusions is next to face a high drop onto a hard surface. Am I to discover that Clive James spends his spring days going from nest to nest in order to hit hatchlings with his tennis racquet? If so, then I only ask that he waits until I've managed to save up and by my signed copy of his Cultural Amnesia...

The simple fact is that your favourite Welsh thongman would never stoop so low as to ask you to love him. And he wouldn’t do that for one very good reason.

It’s all a matter of scale. To make a relevant analogy: when a man feels comfortable with his body, he doesn’t need to add inches the next time he measures himself against the Dear Deride column. You don’t find The Chipster including hips and navels and thumbs to his arithmetic. There is nothing but Dale in his calculations. And when people ask me why I’m a ‘Big Dale’ and not an ‘Average Dale’, I’m always honest and tell them: it’s why I don’t measure myself with a ruler but use a builder’s theodolite. Alternatively, if it happens to be noon on the day of the summer solstice, I do as the Egyptians did and measure myself by calculating how far a shadow is cast in the direction of Luxor.

You see, when it comes to blog popularity, there can be no fair winners. Every loser will have been poorly measured for simple reasons of scale. It’s another example of the big blogs succeeding where we small folk fail. And, for obvious reasons, I chose that term ‘small folk’ very carefully. Popularity can only be measured one way and that’s by visitor numbers and the small fraction who can be bothered to vote for a man in a thong.

It puts a man like me at a great disadvantage. Am I being measured by the length of my readership or the girth of the read? I like to think that my seventeen regular visitors share an experience that comes as close as possible to a night in Bangor town centre on a Saturday night. Can’t you just smell the fragrance of body oil, warmed on the Chipster’s highly toned muscles? Each comma is as calculated as a hip thrust over a tepid glass of Babycham. Each posting amounts to a tangible experience of the best that Welsh stripping has to offer and that, my good friends, is the only reward I expect and care for.

I’m sorry to have had to break this news to you. It’s made for a post full of solemn reflection. I’m a lesser man for having had my illusions shattered. As that great stripper Hugo ‘The Hosepipe’ Cooper used to tell me: leave them with a bang. Even when he was sentenced to three years for male prostitution, I never doubted his advice. Yet today I won’t leave you with a bang. I won’t seek an affirmation of your love. I won't be so cheap as to demean the wonderful thing we have together. I ask that you don’t go voting for the Chipster. No, no, please don’t.

You see, if I don’t play their games, nobody can ever say that I’m small.

13 comments:

Bryan Appleyard said...

I am humbled. But, on the other hand, if I can get so many nominations it would make the whole thing look silly. Satire, you see.

rilly super said...

you may be on to something there chip. I mean, I don't want to upset the appleyard, as it were, but have you ever seen Big bryan and wife in the north in the same room? Anyway, your instructions are received and understood chip dear, and, provided I can work out how to vote, I will vote for the other chap in all the categories for which you were nominated, although I fear that for 'blogger most comparable to an eygptian sundial' you will stand unopposed

Rodrigo said...

Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Até mais.

Big Chip Dale said...

Bryan, perhaps I've misjudged you but I really don’t get satire. If your trying to deconstruct these blogging awards then I’ll certainly have to go back and vote for you again. And I appreciate your vote too. I’ve resubmitted my order for black roll necked sweaters and I’ve ordered my Romanian hit squad to return to kidnapping the paper boy to get me my Sunday Times.

Rilly: Which is odd since I suspect that Rilly is really the Wife. And if Bryan is actually a nom de plume for the Wife, then that makes you Bryan. In which case, hello again!

Rodrigo: So sorry, son, I don't speak the Welsh lingo.

Jan Tregeagle said...

Chippy that isn't Welsh. You can tell when someone is peaking Welsh in two occassions:
1. They are saying something that sounds like they are about to gargle
2. The language they speak in Welsh pubs whenever you walk in speaking English
Of course as they say, its not how big your readership is, it's what you do with them..

Big Chip Dale said...

You're right. It can't be Welsh. Foolish of me to spot there were words there with less than 27 syllables.

Perhaps I should take a different approach to these awards and just demand that people vote for me multiple times.

I swear, if I don't beat Iain Dale I'll give up blogging for good!

Daily Referendum said...

Sorry chip, I voted for you before I read this. I'll ask james if he can withdraw my vote.

Big Chip Dale said...

Stop right there Steve. That's undemocratic. And it also goes against what I've admitted in my later post. I want to win, damn you. I want the glory of the victory. And I'm going to a streak of honour down Doughty Street if I win.

Daily Referendum said...

OK chip I'll let my vote stand. What is puzzling me is why Rilly has not been nominated. I'm going to vote for her now and hopefully some people will follow suit.

Big Chip Dale said...

I voted for the two of you, Steve, but to be honest, the whole thing won't mean much now the monster known as The Wife in the North has been awoken. I notice she's getting lots of votes now (look in the to be processed queue), and I expect to be ground beneath her heel before the end of the night.

Iain Dale might not get many votes since he and Guido will suffer the tall poppy syndrome. Lesser big bloggers will gain, such as DK. I also expect Bryan Appleyard to do well, and I voted for him too, as I like his stuff. I'd love some of the funny bloggers to get into the shortlist, people like Rilly, The Spine and Beau Bo' Dor, but I just think even they're doomed. Dull political blogs will probably win because, as I said in this post, it's all about scale. If you have a blog with less than 50 regular readers a day, which I have, even if half of them vote (a big if), that 25 votes. But if you have 1000 readers a day, and only 5% vote, that's 50 votes.

David B said...

You see Chip, when you say something nice about somebody they have to go out and vote for you. Good luck!

Maryam in Marrakesh said...

This blog is truly hillarious! You have my vote. And you really do deserve more than 50 readers a day. And I am not just saying that because I fancy men in thongs.:-)

Lizzie said...

Now, girls, behave yourselves.

P.S. Disingenuous me thinks, Mr. Appleyard ?