Results Romanian Style

What a morning! While I began to fight the Prunic War, Gabby nipped off to college. She came back at eleven, flushed with success. She's got twelve ‘A’ grades in her A level results. She claims that she came in the top 5% of the students in Chemistry, Biology, Art History, English, Pure Maths, Applied Maths, Physics, Home Economics, Chicken Farming, Psychology, Accounting, Gestalt Therapy, and Games.

I felt a little overwhelmed by her grades. I didn’t even sit the exam for my English Lit. class. In fact, you might have noticed that I haven’t mentioned by FE course in a while. I stopped attending when Mrs. Rust forced us to read Jane Austen's Mansfield Park. I couldn’t handle five hundred pages of young women repressing their emotions. It was having an impact on my dancing career. I knew I had to quit reading it when one night a woman screamed as I whipped off my thong and I told her it was no way for a young lady to behave. I even suggested that she retire to the parlour and read Bible verses.

I suppose it's only natural that Gabby’s delighted but the fact that A level results have gone up for the 25th year in a row is very troubling. It’s so bad that the government are soon to introduce A* results, so that next year’s A grades will be like a grade C from ten years ago and an A* will be like an A from this year, which is equivalent to a grade B from five years ago. There should really be a chart otherwise we'll be like the indecisive limbo dancer who has moved the bar so often that he doesn’t know if he’s being at the hips or the knees.

For the moment, I don’t want to spoil Gabby's celebrations. She’s already rang BBC News to see if they’re interested in an interview. Turns out that they’re looking to interview somebody who hasn’t got 12 A grades this year. So far they haven’t found one.

I knew I should have sat that exam!