Tuesday, May 01, 2007

'Twas A Thumb

First of all: that picture was clearly of my thumb.

Secondly: it is now pink again.

And thirdly: I’m sorry if it’s been quiet around here today. I’ve been busy out-Archering Lord Jeffrey. Not only am I a handsome devil in a thong, I’m a literary rival to the great craftsman himself.

I woke up with the sunshine lighting the fine golden skin of my naked torso and I felt inspired to do something artistic. With barely a word to Gabby who was busy gutting a chicken in the kitche, I set off early for the coffee shop where I spent the morning writing ‘the novel’. I’ve also bought myself a black roll-necked thong to make me look the part and with the laptop open before me, I did the whole Ernest Hemingway thing: nouns, verbs, a few adjectives. Wonderful!

I soared past 20,000 words. Already I see it as bearing some similarities to Umberto Eco’s ‘The Name of the Rose’, only set in the modern day and with more gratuitous nudity. I’ve also considered titles: ‘The Name of the Pose’ being the best I’ve come up with so far.

After three hours and a dozen cups of coffee, I felt even more like Ernest and fancied trying my hand at a little bull fighting but, lacking a little bull, ended up just chasing a Labrador around the market. That was marvellous too.

Writing is the loneliest business. It’s nothing like stripping, where you get the most immediate feedback. It also wore me out mentally and I had to unwind with an afternoon spent working on a new routine at the dance studio. I use the best studio in town and work with the best in the business. Terry, my choreographer, looks like John Terry but moves like Grace Kelly. He also knows more about the art of undressing than any man alive. He was trainer to the great Ernie Hackinshaw, aka The Swing King. It was Terry who invented the invented the rhythmic hip thrust where a dancer swings his undercarriage like a pendulum. He’s done for genitals what Lionel Blair did for tap dancing.

The new routine is based on the phrases of the moon and, as I imagine you can guess, involves the stripping in mystical patterns. It’s a bit like Old Moore’s Almanack but with more buttocks.

I’ll try to pop by and update you some more tomorrow but I’m attending my weekly class where Mrs. Rust has promised to introduce us to Shakespeare. And before you say it: I’ve already heard all the jokes about my shaking my spear during the lesson.

No comments: