Sunday, May 13, 2007

Chip Dale's Live Eurovision Feed!

Only an hour to go before Eurovision kicks off and I’ve just checked out the BBC listings. They promise ‘flashing images’ during the show, so who knows what kind of exciting night we’ll be in for?

My big prediction: Scooch will successfully get nul points. I think, from a geopolitical perspective, we’re still in the bad books of most of Europe countries and, in their eyes, Scooch will resemble a mistake at least as big as Iraq if not quite a huge as Jemini.

So, until later... Thunderbirds are go…

(Unlike Dave at Temporama, I'm now convinced that we're looking at puppets. The one on the left clearly has somebody's finger snagged in the string that controls his lower lip, whilst the 57 year old in the middle is stuck on grin...)

Live Eurovision Feed From Chipster Central

19.53: I turn on BBC1 and I'm met by a rather large Michael Ball and his purple balls. Gabby wants him to stop breathing in but I’m not so sure it would help the situation. Might a corset be the answer? 4 20 17 3 10 and your Thunderball is… Oops missed it as I was adjusting my thong into a more comfortable position. And we’re up to the Dream Number. God look at those balls go… Only balls are now meant to be coming out and they're not. Damn this infernal machine! Lots of uncomfortable pauses… Ah, at last. 6 9 5 0 3 7 0, which also happened to be the calorie count of Michael's last meal.

19.57 It's the BIG Money balls.

19.58 Is that the other woman out of Buck's Fizz... The one who doesn't sell double glazing. She's still looking as good as she did back when the other one didn't look as good as her. That made sense, I think... Oh we're nearly there.

19.59: Ad for Dr. Who... Why do BBC special effects still look like BBC special effects?

20.00: With true European efficiency, on the stroke of 8 o'clock it's on! And here's Sir Terry...

20.01: Seen my first ghoul of the evening and he looked a hell of a lot better than Michael Ball.

20.03: Lordi's on. God I hate this song. Reminds me of Meatloaf who I also dislike when he sings. The zombies look terribly like Esther Rantzen but I don't suppose Terry's going to admit this. I'm not sure I should have.

20.04: Lordi has one hell of a large thong on him and being a professional thongman, I can tell it's full of cotton buds. This man is all show. I bet he's not even undead.

20.06: Terry is in good form tonight. He's talking over everything, which is exactly how it should be. The hosts look like they might make for good fun. The chap looks a bit like Beau Bridges. Lots of shouting and overly dramatic gestures. Loving it.

20.08: Here we go. Song Number 1. Bosnia. Won't win. Dressed like a heap of Irish turf. I expect a leprechaun to come leaping out from between her legs, which could only improve the song. I feel drowsy... Woke up by that bum note.

20.09: I must confess at this point that one of my main reasons I watch this show other than Sir Terry's comments is to admire scantily clad European women. On that score, Song Number 1 loses my vote. A chap with a mandolin does not float my thong.

20.11: The turf needed trimming. Not good. I'm scared by all the gothic types on show so far. Ah, there's a singalong on the red button. I think I have my hands full just watching. Oh my. A goth smiling. Song 2: Spain. Terrible. Is this what has happened to the nation that gave us Franco? Gabby points out that they're all wearing dog tags but she wonders if they've been in the army. Very lively but still dreadful. Won't win. I'm sure they sang that in English but can't understand a word they said. Something about love and donkeys? I give up. They'd do better joining the Spanish army. They might get to inflict less pain that way.

20.16: Belarus. The song sounds Bondish and is promising if I'm to judge by the two models with the screens. My god, this chap loves himself and with a body that's nowhere near as honed as my own. And what colour is that tan? It's less like tan and more like crackling. He seems to have a sabre tooth tiger's fang hung around his throat. I am left wishing that is was buried deep in his throat with a sabre tooth tiger still attached to it. Note to self: never trust a man who gives up fastening his shirt after only two buttons. (There seems to a very large lady hidden behind the screens. She's clearly doing the singing for the rest who are too busy tumbling).

20.20: Ireland. Wogan's better than I've heard him in many a year. Scintillating stuff and utterly cruel. Song 4 (only 4!!) sounds okay so far. A bit odd and off key, which is how I like them. Not the usual Irish song, which tend to be tedious ballads that go on longer than an Irish tall tale. Actually, this song is growing on me. My God. Am I going to be supporting an Irish song at Eurovision for the first time ever?

20.21: SCOOCH!!!!!!!!

20.22: Here they come. THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO! and are already singing wonderfully flat. Would it be so wrong of me to ask for a hostage situation to develop on their flight at this moment? If I can't have that, I wouldn't mind it the cabin suddenly depressurized instead.

20.22: Now, as bad as Scooch were, the Irish are my pick of the show so far. They were pretty good. Oh, we're up for some flashing lights now. So, if I go quiet a while, I'll have swallowed my tongue.

20.23: Scooch were as bad as I hoped and did nothing to cure me of my fear of flying. Next year we really shouldn't send senior citizens to represent us.

20.24: Finland and I'm scared again. She looks like a menopausal Elvira. Perhaps she's Lordi's mistress. Not that good. Don't really believe she's evil though Gabby has just pointed out that she has 'bingo wings', which is apparently the name for a certain flabbiness beneath the arms. We relax as she stops singing. It's an instrumental and she's gone off for a sulk... Oh hang on. She's back. And that's it. Not as good as the Irish.

20.27: The hosts are back in different clothes but the same SHOUTING. Oh dear. They've found a woman in pink. Apparently, the biggest Eurovision's biggest fan. My God! Gabby has just admitted to me that it's her half sister!

20.28: The woman in pink (Gabby's half-sister) is going to co-host the show. Next song. Macedonia. Song 6. Oh, now she's quite nice. Short skirt. Ladies and gentleman: I think we have the winner!

20.29: Perhaps not. A short skirt does not a Eurovision hit make. This is a forgettable song. Bad dancing but strong performance by her ear rings. I'm doubting if there's enough material in that dress to have the customary dress removal but we live in hope...

20.32: No dress removal. Disappointed. We're now into one of the inter-song films of the host country. Ah. Ice sculpting. I do get excited by a woman with a chainsaw.

20.33: Slovenia. I was promised a woman in leather but.. well... ladies and gentlemen: I think we have the first transvestite of the evening. Oh those high notes prove it's a transvestite who has had the full operation. Gabby notes she/he has very long arms. More proof, in my book, that what we're looking at is actually a man. She/he also has lights in her/his hand which he/she keeps using to light up his/her face in a very disturbing way as it illuminates her tonsils, which as far as I can tell, are non-gender specific. I'll dream about that tonight.

20.36: Hungary is next. Tel informs us that this will be a good one. Ah, a woman with luggage. Promising. Lots of quality props.

20.37: Not bad. Not as good as Ireland. Extra marks for incorporating a bus stop into her performance. The song's not that bad and includes plenty of hoarse shouting. I'm a fan of hoarse shouting at bus stops. Reminds me of many a night in Bangor town centre. Ah, I'm filling up. It's my nut allergy. I've eaten too many M&Ms!

20.40: Hungary was Gabby's favourite so far and my second favourite. I preferred the Irish. Song 9 is from Lithuania. I hope it's as good as last year's, which I think should have won. Ah, bit more jazz. And quite jazzy jazz at that. Woman looks like Anne Robinson before she was hit by the plastic surgery bus. Actually, I'm liking this one.

20.42: I like the use of the silhouetted band in the background. I once did something like that for a stripping act where plenty of fun was had with a cucumber and a large mallet. First guy in her band has the very same outline as the great Brian May. Actually, I'm liking this more and more. My favourites so far: Lithuania; Ireland; Hungary.

20.44: Ha ha! Greece next. Always can be relied upon, though usually to introduce very hairy women into the show.

20.45: Four ladies in bras shaking. Need I say any more? This could be a winner.

20.46: Can you believe it? This song has a line about 'Cheeky Girls'! I love this song but Gabby's moaning on about contacting her lawyers. I think this is the winner. Mark my words on it. Hate the guy but the ladies win me over. Quite easily actually. Oh my... [Gabby is giving me looks...]

20.48: Song 11 is from Georgia. I usually like these songs from East Europe. Not so keen on dancing cossacks. This is the second song to sound like a Bond theme. Hmmm... I quite like it. This could grow on me. Again, I like a bit of shouting. Odd shouting too. Did I mention that the woman is orange? This is the first orange woman of the evening. She should be sponsored by Terry's chocolate.

20.51: That last woman had a terrible crusting on her back. Perhaps I'm old fashioned by I don't like a woman with a heavily crusted back.

20.52: Half way. Song 12 from Sweden. Sweden. Oh, I think we've got the second transvestite of the evening. Sounds like Marc Bolan. Very Marc Bolan. Only he isn't dead, which, when you weigh things up, is not necessarily an advantage to those of us listening. And he's got a bit of a Dickie Davis hairdo going on. Gabby isn't impressed with his stage antics.

20.53: He's taken his jacket off and, as Gabby points out, his face is a different colour to the rest of his body. Rather a stout young man. Men like this give a bad name to stripping. Just glad he wasn't wearing a thong.

20.55: The pink psycho/Gabby's half-sister is on. Only I don't know what she's on or if it's legal. She reminds me of the fat woman who used to be in the Morecambe and Wise shows. She used to walk on at the end and take all the applause. This woman is similar but pinker and much scarier. She's now singing the Eurovision theme. This has to be a joke. Findland must get very bored during those long long days. Those crazy Finns!

20.56: The drunk guy wearing the Elvis pajamas represents England at its drunken best. Oh, we're back from the break.

20.58: Now it's France's turn and I usually like the French, though this has too much pink in it for my liking. The guy from the Crystal Maze is dancing with them. That said, I like the song. It's another of those odd songs I like for being just weird. The bald chap's putting on a good performance. I can't say this song is that strong. I liked its eccentricity but I think my vote is now: Spain, Lithuania, Ireland, Hungary.

21.00: An hour gone and it doesn't feel like it was a minute less than three.

21.05: Russia. Song 15. Wogan's still on form. Oh it's women dressed as schoolgirls. I have to be very careful what I write. Dear me. Dear me... Oh my god... Dear me. Oh.. Ah... Well...

21.06 My vote is now: RUSSIA, Spain, Lithuania, Ireland, Hungary. Did I mention the buxom supermodels in stockings?

21.07: From a musical point of view I think I have a winner in Russia. I won't mention the ladies in the long socks again but I do think it's very warm in here...

21.09: Thank God it's Germany's turn. I'll be able to cool down.

21.10: Frank Sinatra lives and he's become German! I'm sure he keeps singing 'wie gehts' a la Peter Sellers in The Return of the Pink Panther. Only he does it with a jazzy inflection. Gabby says that Germany and swing music don't go together but I say that Hitler had a certain hip cat swagger. Last year I quite enjoyed the German Country and Western song (it's still on my iPod) but this year I'll give it a miss. I'm still thinking about the Russian ladies. I can't remember the song now. Why did I like it? I must concentrate on the Germans. Did my ears deceive me? I swear that the last line of that German song was 'next year we'll rule the world'. I couldn't make this up...

21.13: Next we have Serbia. Oh...

21.14: Ronnie Corbett has a twin and she lives in Serbia. I think it's safe to say that this song is aiming for the gender-identity-crisis vote. Dreadful.

21.16: Moving quickly on, Gabby is delighted to see a Moomin make an appearance in the Finland tourist film. After the last act, I'm just glad.

21.17: Ukraine. Genius! Lots of cross-gender individuals dressed in tin foil and mirrors singing in German. He (she?) looks like Timmy Mallet on crack. Hang on. It's getting all a bit too camp for my liking... Song's catchy though. Note to self: remember the Russian ladies Chip! Still, I quite like the song. This could actually win it. It's just so much fun.

21.20: Gabby thinks the Ukraine might have a winner there. I'm just confused. Was it a man or a woman or a Moomin? I'm not sure. I'm just trying to remember the Russians. Those lovely Russians.

21.21: Latvia. Men in jeans and top hats. An odd fashion choice. This heralds my first toilet break of the evening... Actually, hold that thought. This is too funny to miss. The top hats are something special. This is possibly my second vote for nul points of the evening, though technically it's my first since I can't vote for Scooch. Gabby says if I ever try to seduce her wearing a top hat she'll open one of my veins. I'm wondering why they're wearing medals. Bravery, I imagine.

21.25: Romania! Gabby is so excited. Note to self: set sarcasm to stun.

21.26: So far it's sounding very rural. I expect to see chickens on stage soon.

21.27: The lead singer looks like the chubby member of G4. Another looks like Derek Griffiths. Now Gabby is crying as she chews on the end of her raw radish! Now she's dancing... This is getting embarrassing. It's over. Thank god. I forgot to mention that she'd pressed the red button and was singing along to that bloody song.

21.29: Now it's Bulgaria. Time for a very thin woman with a mustache. I can only describe this song as being very techno-ethic-tone-deaf. She keeps squealing and making chicken noises. Actually, this is quite good. It's Jean-Michel Jarre meats a fishwife.

21.32: 'Europe we love you' shouted the drummer at the end of that last song but enough about that. We're now at Turkey and I have two words for you: belly dancing.

21.34: The song is sung by a very small midget with very big and lithe hips. Behind him are four ladies with big hair and small waists who stand about two feet above him. I'm also noticing a theme of the evening: most of these acts have the portliest members of the band hidden in the shadows at the back of the stage. I don't know about you but I've missed chubby dancing this year. It's a staple of Eurovision fun.

21.36: Armenia is next and only two to go before I get to sit back and watch the corrupt voting begin. This has been a rather disappointing second half. Hang on. This looks bad. A rather self-pleased young man has come on stage and is looking seductively into the camera. Gabby has just says that she feels violated. I was about to say the same thing myself. It's an Armenian Tom Jones but without the voice or the green green grass of home. And now he's starting to bleed profusely from his chest! It's either an alien coming out or a bullet going in. What a great prop! Or at least I think it was a prop. Some music lover might have taken a pop at him, in which case it has to be ruled a justified homicide.

21.40: Last song is from Moldova. Terry is building this up with promises of female flesh.

21.41: Low cut leather pants and supermodel looks. Need I say any more? Can she sing? Ha! Do we care? Thought not. Ooooh... That last note killed a speaker in the TV. I think it's safe to say that next year's Eurovision won't be coming from Moldova. To her credit, I think this is the first real thong of the evening, so we have a winner in that category. Oh, another high note. My fillings are beginning to ache.

21.44: That's it. That's it? Well, I'm voting Russia. Good to see a nation going against stereotype and presenting the world with unwed supermodels looking for lonely men in the rich west. Ahem. Gabby's looking at me again. I'm nipping off until the voting is finished.

21.45: Hang on. Santa Claus has come on and very frightening he is. He's threatening to visit us all at Christmas. Better get keep the shotguns loaded this year children. The man's getting rather excited by the lady host... I can't say I blame him. I'm still happy with thoughts that the Russians are coming. But this has become disturbing. Bad Santa!

21.58: Still going through the reruns as the voting is carried out. I've voted for Russia and Gabby has voted for Romania. Was there any doubt? I defend my choice on purely prurient grounds involving phrases such as 'the one of the left' and 'if I could get away with it'. We've both agreed that if Ukraine wins, it will be a very worthy winner. On the reruns, I've also become quite smitten with the Bulgarian entry... The woman didn't have a moustache at all. It was a cruel thing to say for such a petite pretty young thing.

22.25: Scooch still has nul points but Ronnie Corbett is in the lead! You could say that it's looking good and bad, all at the same time. My only worry is that Ireland might spoil the party by giving us a point.

22.27: My sense of anarchy wants Ukraine to win but my loins want Russia. Actually, I just want one Russian and she was on the left. I also believe that Ronnie Corbett winning would pose troubling thematic/gender issues for next year.

22.29: I'm so excited. My heart is pounding. Could we get nul points? Oh the wait is killing me. Serbia have now taken the top spot again. I'm really disturbed by the lead they've developed over Russia and Ukraine. This is the fight of the night: buxom Russians, Ronnie Corbett, and the tin foil gender-bending Timmy Mallet-lookalike. Come on Russia!

22.32: Scooch and the men in top hats have still to get points. Looking promising. Very concerned by Serbia's lead. The butch Corbett is in danger of winning. Europe, you are mad!

22.34: I have to note that this year the voting is more odd than I remember it, though I think our nul points is clearly justified. Go Scooch!

22.36: I think Serbia are going to win this. A terrible result for red blooded men everywhere.

22.37: Remind me: on which map does Israel appear in Europe?

22.38: A break and we're back with the national idiot of Ukraine/Gabby's half-sister who has just dismissed Scooch with a wave of her wand and without asking them a thing. Clearly nul points doesn't impress her. DAMN HER PINK LITTLE HIDE!

22.41: Lithuanian vote and we're still the only country with nul points. I'm crying with delight. The UK has nul points!

22.43: Serbia at 148 and Ukraine at 129 and my darling Russians and their stockings at 114. This is a dark night indeed for all thong wearing men. This just cannot be won by a terrible song sung by a man.

22.47: Shit! Those damn Irish have given our Scooch seven points. Have they no ears in Ireland? This is turning into a night of many regrets at both ends of the table. I might as well go to bed now. Gabby went a while ago when it was obvious Romania wasn't going to win. Double shit! Those damn Maltese have given Scooch an additional 12 points. Are they mad? Revoke that George Cross immediately. Don't they understand what we've been trying to do all these weeks?

22.50: Is it too late for a Ukrainian fightback? Can I believe I'm sitting here at eleven o'clock at night and wanting a tin foil alien to beat Ronnie Corbett? Do I care any more? Scooch aren't going to come last. All the joy has gone from the world. Ireland are going to have that high honour.

22.51: I've had enough. I'm going to bed. This has been a huge disappointment and I can't bear to hear that Serbian song again. The Chipster is out of here...

23.00: Well, I would go to bed only I can't tear myself away from this travesty. There's no sign of my buxom Russian supermodels or their stockings, though Wogan has come up with the line of the evening. When she takes her glasses off, the Serbian winner doesn't look like Ronnie Corbett at all. She looks just like Lou Costello. YAAABBBBBOOOOTTTTTTT... Which goes to prove that every butch cloud has a silver lining.

23.01: I need a stiff drink and to go plan my first trip to Russia.


Ms Baroque said...

I agree, I am bitterly disappointed. The interminable voting, with Ukraine dropping inexorably lower and lower,m was very hard to sit through: I loved those Ukrainian guys with a love that was pure and true. And as for Scooch! Well. Let's just say I felt more at peace when they were on nul points. It's just embarrassing.

Altogether, despite the wonderful tin men, not a patch on last year.

Edwina said...

Scooch the most awful heap of shite heard in the history of the human species.

Chip Dale said...

Ms. Baroque, I wanted Ukraine to win once my beloved Russians fell behind. I also thought it wasn't as good as last year. There wasn't enough crazy songs and too many safe acts.

Edwina, again, you manage to condense my 3000+ words into a perfectly formed sentence. I couldn't agree more. What was Ireland thinking to give us points? I'm very disappointed.

Andrew said...

Irish people moved evidently by compassion for its neighbouring islanders who are now doomed to get almost no points. And in return the bloody Brits gave us nowt. And the Irish song was actually comparatively not bad. I think Malta gave Britain 12....what a bunch of undignified lickspittles. My first Eurovision in years. A triumph. Though of what it probably better not to say.

Andrew said...

I just made a terrible error which was looking at Youtube at Scooch to see was it really as uniquely brutal as thought, but I couldn't make it to the half-minute mark before a nauseated desire for oblivion was on the point of overpowering me. Perhaps you're made of sterner stuff, Chip.