Dear Gabby

[As promised yesterday, the Chipster's having a day's rest and handing my blog over to Gabby. She's already had a few emails and I hope she'll give you nothing but good advice. Chip.]

Dear Gabby,

I think it's great that you can help me. You see my girlfriend doesn’t love me. She is always complaining. She says I don’t cut my toenails and won’t let me fix my motorbike in the kitchen. She also thinks that I eat too much. What should I do?

Henry P.

Gabby says:

If woman don’t like man with toenails and motorbike then she not real woman. I think toenails sexy. Back in Romania, toenails are first thing we look for on man. On a donkey too but that’s not sexy. That’s just to say how old they are. Gabby say that motorbike in kitchen is problem. You should compromise. Move it in living room, away from food. Kitchen is for cooking and rare times when you must cut toenails. Nothing else. If Gabby’s suggestions don’t work, you should get rid of woman and find somebody else. Man with good toenails sure to find sexy woman. I have Russian friend if you interested. She like man with toenails and own house.

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Dear Gabby,

I’ve been reading Chip’s diary for a while now and wondering if he’s as great as he claims. He doesn’t look that good to me and I’ve been known to go out with some right ugly mutts.

Sharon

Gabby Says:

You foolish woman, Sharon. Gabby says Chip is stallion. You finish your silly talk and come to Bangor and see Chip in action. Man in posing pouch is like god come down from sky to wiggle hips in face. Lovely. You see but don’t go saying bad things about Chip or I get sister to cut you with knife. You warned.

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Dear Gabby

I am trying to break into the world of music with my sister. We can both sing really well and wondered if you could us some tips about reaching the top.

Heather and Lisa K.

Gabby says:

Have you good leg? Rumpy too? Like we say in old country: best beef on big bottom. That is same for singing. Don’t worry about horrible voices or if you got warty face. You get meat on bone and then let photographers do rest. We also like to wear tiny dresses. They help too if you bend over. And never turn down a job especially if it involves bending over. And any job is better than no job. So, when they say come and sing to soldiers. You go. We sang to soldiers in Iraq and they let us shoot guns from helicopters. We want to go back to do again but with less singing and more shooting. Gabby likes AK47. It her favourite.

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Dear Gabby

Is it true that women prefer men with sense of humour than men with good looks? I don’t have either but I think it would be easier to learn some jokes than it would to make myself handsome.

Derek M.

Gabby says:

Rubbish. Give me boring man looks like stallion than funny funny ha ha man comedian. As we say in Romania: you can not milk mule. If you could milk mule, we have huge dairy industry. You can’t so we don’t. But you cannot milk funny man either, and that is Gabby's point. Get man with looks and good body. It like buying a strong mule. You never regret owning strong mule and people like you. People laugh at one legged chicken but it not make man happy when he eats it and nobody comes for dinner for one legged chicken. If you not look good, you get exercise. Face not important if you got good body. If you got good face and bad body, nobody notice good face. Also man with big scalaragurang is important too except on goat when it better small.

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Dear Gabby,

I worry about you. Chip treats you quite horribly and says some rather cruel things about you and your sister. I’m sure you’re nothing like he says you are. Do you really shoot sparrows with a gun? Does your sister really carry knife around? Why do you stay with him? I think he’s horrible.

Michelle C.

Gabby says:

What Chip say? He say I his sexy cheeky girl and he loves me. He not say thing wrong about Gabby or sister. I not shoot sparrows, no, I shoot starlings and pigeons and crows. My sister carries knife, nine inch blade with saw on back. Like Rambo knife but sharper. But there’s nothing wrong with sister with knife. It’s legal. She licensed manicurist and it for taking off bunion. I see her take bunion of man who called her rude name. Bunion the same size as his leg, which made him need wooden bunion afterwards.