Sunday, November 04, 2007

A Tale of Two Dicks

Hello fellow Thonglateers, Chipsterites, and Devotees of Big Chip Dale. I’ve been silent for good reason: I’ve been struck by a strange melancholy that has left me feeling unhappy with the state of the world. I don’t mean you, of course. You’re all right. Salt of the earth, and all that. I mean the others. Them over there. They’re always doing that, hardly ever stop it, and rarely look like they’re going to give it up for something more reasonable.

I mean what’s wrong with the world? What is wrong with people? What is wrong with Pakistan? What’s going on in Burma? And why do the Spice Girls insist on reforming? Christmas approaches and I’m staring into its headlights like a small rabbit with its foot trapped in a manhole cover. Run, Chipster run! Before it’s too late!

Only it is too late. Cliff Richard’s back. He’s bringing out an album to menace all of us over Yuletide. I suppose a man won’t be able to walk around his local Woolworth’s without having Cliff injected into the base of his brain. There some tune will fester before breaking out as a canker on the lips, the size of a tennis ball. A man won’t be able to go five feet without whistling it, hating himself for his very susceptibility to catchy middle-of-the-road songs. Damn this musically blessed brain and whistle-tastic lips.

I don’t know who said it – I suppose it some witty type with wisdom dropping from them like dandruff – but ‘hell is other people’. I don’t know what they meant by that unless the other people were Cliff and the Spices. Or perhaps Jamie or Britney or Paris. Ah, Paris. We’ll always have Paris. I mean it. We’re stuck with her for the rest of our lives.

What’s wrong with the world? What is wrong with me?

I’m just sour. I see that Madeley got a puff from The Guardian. And his blog was visited by Stephen Fry. All in the same week. Good luck to him. I wish the man well. I really do. Only the blogging highlight of my month was to welcome my first visitor from Nepal. Interesting. They searched for the phrase ‘thonging’. I don’t know what it means but it was a highlight...

October's highlight...

[sob]

[sigh]

I wonder what November has in store... I wonder...

13 comments:

Richard Madeley said...

I dream of the day I have my first visitor from Nepal!

Richard Madeley said...

I should add that my mate, Brian Blessed, is heading over there so it shouldn't be too long. Imagine that. Brian Blessed reading my blog from Nepal!

Ms Baroque said...

Chip, I know the feeling. Mind you, I seem to have a regular reader in India.

Can't you go get an extra gig in the Green Dragon to pep you up a bit? Raise some cash for the holidays? Maybe buy some top-range earphones to block out all the Cliff.

Momentary Academic said...

I'm sending you good thoughts to get through the holiday season. At least you don't have to worry about Thanksgiving? :)

Arthur Clewley said...

whenever I feel like I can't go on I find someone to make a suicide pact with, but somehow the company always seems to be enough to cheer me up enough not to do it. What's that all about? Chin up Chip, Stephen fry has never visited my blog either, at least if he has he's never mentioned it on QI

Bruce Forsyth said...

You've only yourself to blame- you scared off the lovely Edwina Currie.

Shades said...

When I saw the title & the mugshot I immediately thought of the urban legend of two golf balls & a summer holiday.

David said...

Cheer up Chip,you never know what fate has in store for you. Things could be a lot worse.... you could be living in Leeds.

David said...

Chip, I'm seriously worried about your sudden dip into depression. To show you just how much I care I am sending you my complete collection of BrotherHood of Man L.P.'s. Hope these help you see the light.
Love & Peace
Brother David

Bruce Forsyth said...

And I'm sending a 300 video collection of the entire Generation Game series. Just so you know-you'll have to pay for postage on delivery.

Big Chip Dale said...

Apologies all. I blame drink from keeping me from the keyboard.

Richard, I'm pleased for you but don't rub it in.

Ms. Baroque, too late. Cliff's already in there, like something a parasite would lay. It will hatch at Christmas and it won't be pretty.

MA, you lot have yet another holiday? I'm beginning to think we should all side with the Chinese.

Arthur, long time no see. How do you know he's not visited? Perhaps hidden away in your statistics...

Bruce, scared off? I think not.

Shades, I don't know that one. Perhaps post the full version on your blog so I can hear it?

David, perhaps I should move to Leeds. Perhaps I need new surroundings to inspire me. And the Brotherhood of Man offer is so kind that I'm crying. Or at least I'm crying because I think it's kind...

Brucie, again, that's even more generous. I loved to watch you back in the days you were funny. Sad to see senility hit somebody so talented.

elberry said...

A word of warning - don't go near Leeds. Think of a street with a lot of litter & dead tramps on it. Now think of a chav. Now multiply that chav by 100,000 - and you have Leeds.

Bruce Forsyth said...

Back in the days when I was funny?! Now you're being funny. I only have to look at myself in the mirror to burst into uncontollable paroxysms of mirth.