Stripping Into the Void

I mentioned yesterday that I’ve been called a nihilist but I didn’t have time to elaborate. I want to make it clear here and now that The Chipster just won’t stand for it! I didn’t even understand the meaning of the word until I looked it up in the dictionary. But now that I do, I think I should answer the charge before this rumour spreads around Bangor and all the establishments where a man can legally strip become hostile to the Chipster.

After all, such accusations have been know to ruin the career of many a male exotic dancer. I can see that you don’t believe me but that’s only because you don’t know that Charlie ‘Two Ducks’ Wheeler was never allowed to strip again after he declared himself a Kantian. German philosophy doesn’t go down well with the stripping community, and when questions of nihilism come up, as they quite often do, then we have to be quick to stamp them out.

The reason I have to be so forthright in my rebuttal is because nihilism goes to the heart of what we men do as strippers. What is nihilism if it’s not a naked man standing on the edge of a stage, staring out into the darkened auditorium, and then throwing his last shred of dignity away in the shape of a slightly oiled thong? Isn’t that just the perfect metaphor for the nihilist’s creed? We are men who casts aside all our meanings in favour of the gaping voice of non-meaning. When your John Thomas is exposed for all the world to see, you tend to realise how little meaning there is in the world.

It’s a slippery slope in more ways than the oily one. That’s why running from the stage is so important to use strippers. We could walk off stage and with the amount of oil that’s usually on the floor, it would make a great deal more sense. But we run because we have to. It’s declaring to the world that we aren’t nihilists. That we do believe in life and its meaning. We run from the stage as if to say ‘I’ve got a comfortable pair of underpants back in the changing room and I’m going to put them on.’

You see, you just can’t allow yourself the luxury of being a nihilist if you’re a stripper. Nor is there a place for moral relativism when you’ve got naked cartwheels to perform. Have you ever seen a man practising moral relativism perform naked cartwheels? No. Precisely. And do you know why? It’s because it’s an impossible combination to perform.

So, just remember all of this the next time you want to call me a nihilist.