Sunday, February 18, 2007

A Bitter Stripper

I stayed up late last night writing a post I didn’t have chance to finish because the spin cycle on the washing machine came to a premature end and I had to go hang out my thongs to dry. I was intending to finish writing it today but changed my mind after reading the papers.

My thongs are now dry but, unfortunately, I’ve decided to give up blogging.

I’ll probably have a change of heart tomorrow but at the moment The Chipster is feeling very bitter and down. I’m planning on selling off my collection of thongs and getting a proper job. I don’t want to be part of Bangor’s entertainment industry any more. I don’t want to be Welsh. I don’t want to be a man. And I don’t want to be single.

That’s right. I want to be a wife in the north! I want to write about my infirm mother and the things she can do with her false teeth when my father’s standing with his trousers around his ankles flogging her with his belt. I want to write about the whimsical things my dog tells me and the things my children do to beggars they meet on the streets. I want to write long meandering sentences full of apple pie metaphors and smudged similies like finger painted smiles and clowns’ eyebrows.

But, Chipster, I hear you ask, if you want to do that, then why give up blogging?

Well, there comes a point in your life when you think ‘why bother’. Why risk serious pelvic injury every night to dance for audiences who forget you the next day? What’s the point in writing to amuse your readership? What is the point in trying to do something different to the ten million other blogs out there?

Today’s Sunday Times front page had the story I’ve been expecting for weeks. It’s the announcement that ‘The Wife in the North’ has just landed a 70,000 pound publishing deal to turn her blog into a novel.

I wish her well, of course, but I dislike the pretence that this was always just an ordinary woman who decided to start a blog. It’s one of those blogging success stories we all hope will happen to us. Except they don’t happen to us. They don’t happen to ordinary bloggers. They don’t happen to male strippers from Wales. They happen to ex-education journalists from the Sunday Times.

Yet here I am, a real man in a really grim northern (well, the north of Wales) town, stripping for a living, yet nobody wants to hear about the reality of my life ‘up here’.

The Chipster is feeling bitter today and even knowing that he owns Wales’ biggest collection of posing pouches can’t make him feel happy.

UPDATE: Bryan Appleyard has written a wondefully playful piece which just about captures The Chipster’s sentiments. I guess if I’m not the only one thinking this, I’ll be back in my thongs tomorrow.

4 comments:

Realpolitik said...

Don't go Chippy. I'm sure you can find a way to increase your repertoire. The world of thongs needs you.

But I appreciate that it must be very difficult writing so much about something so insubstantial.

Chippy said...

That's it! I'm staying! Nobody talks that way about my thongs and gets away with it!

Thongs insubstantial? Not the way I fill them. I can assure you about that. Now I feel another blog war beginning. Have you ever considered the artistry that goes into thonglateering? Have you ever wondered what kind of deep thought it takes to stand on a stage and get naked? I face the sort of ethical dilemas that make a philosopher out of a man.

Don't you worry. The Chipster will be around at least to educate the world. Thongs insubstantial! Pah!

Trixy said...

You can't go, Chippy. You're the only person out there who writes about something even futile than me and my shoes!

rilly super said...

chin up, chip! good things come to those who gyrate. ok, so I've only written two posts on my blog and I've already got a five book deal, a sunday times serialisation and a US lecture tour, but that doesn't mean it won't happen to you too, you just have to shag andrew neil like I did..