Back To The Grind

If Valentines Day was a holiday for the country’s stripping community, yesterday was the day when we began the great clear-up operation, putting right the wrongs that were done in the name of thonglateering by the many enthusiastic amateurs over one long and greasy evening.

The body count was higher than normal this year on account of some cheap Chinese thongs that had got into the country and had caused an outbreak of crotch strangulations around Cardiff. With news like that, I felt like I was performing an essential public service taking to the stage at The Green Dragon Tavern. I felt like how I imagine doctors feel when attending an emergency. There was a job that needed doing and only the Chipster has the tools and the perfectly timed moves to get it done.

The Tavern was packed and the atmosphere heavy with expectation when I went out on stage. I was wearing my pinstripe suite as I was going to give the audience my Tory MP routine. It’s a popular routine which involves the discreet use of a large blue rosette that I cleverly deploy to cover my vitals at every stage of the act. It ends with a quick burst of Land of Hope and Glory, at which point I throw the rosette to the audience and stand with my hands on my hips giving a few victory hip thrusts before running from the stage. What can I say? It’s one of my more popular routines.

All of which makes me sad to learn from my much less flexible namesake that the Tories are thinking of dropping the rosette in favour of a bit of ribbon. A bit of ribbon! What’s a man meant to do with a bit of ribbon? Has David Cameron ever considered how much flesh a rosette covers? Not even Teddy ‘Little Finger’ Grayson could cover himself with a bit of ribbon so you can guess what problems that Big Chip Dale will have.

But this is the problem with politicians. They meddle in things that don’t concern them. I worry next that they’ll damage all my acts my banning plumbers from carrying sink plungers and policemen from wearing helmets. That rosette was one of my most popular props and I’m sorely disappointed to learn that I’ll be losing it. I’ll be writing to David Cameron to ask him to reconsider given the damage he’ll be doing to the nation’s strippers.

As for last night, the ladies went home more than happy and I came home to accusations of being a nihilist. But more on that later…