Rules For The Wannabe Brit

As promised, for Momentary Academic, some helpful tips for the Wannabee Brit.

Forget pomp, circumstance, or anything you’ve picked up from watching Ealing Comedies. To be a modern Brit, you have to begin with the essentials. Tattoos must be visible at all times. Own a big dog that can chew a caravan in half. Own a caravan too and attach it to a car with a length of old rope. Now hit the motorways and get in that fast lane where you must weave erratically. Families with less than 1.5 cars per person will not be tolerated and cars must be parked on the pavement when not in use. Drunkenness is a social responsibility. Children must be loud, obnoxious, and tattooed. You must have at least seven of them. If babies, it is preferable to keep them all in one big pram.

Dress. The more casual the better. Ladies, remember to wear slippers around the supermarket and leave at least one bra strap hanging around your elbow. Teeth are optional in public. Gentlemen, trainers at all times and remember that you can’t go wrong with a vest. If you must wear a t-shirt, try to wear one sporting an obscene phrase advocating out common hatred of the French.

Heath and hygiene. Washing your hand is optional in most parts of the UK. There’s a national spitting policy so remember to huck up a lung for every two miles you walk. Walking is not recommended. Public urinals are not for urinating in. That’s why we have shop doorways and subways.

Next decide what kind of Brit you want to be. If successful, look for high paying jobs in window cleaning, plastering, plumbing, and the electrical trade. If you’re less ambitious, start out in the lower ranks. Think of working in the health industry as a doctor or nurse, or perhaps the education sector. Teachers are poorly respected so if you meet one, please laugh, point, or simply punch them. They are legally obliged not to fight back.

Have you an addiction? If not, get one. Heroin is popular on many of Britain’s estates. Perfect your addict shuffle. Walk five times the speed of a normal person while maintaining a look of grim determination on your pallid (and preferably tattooed) brow. And please dispose of your used syringes in designated areas – school fields, train stations, or wherever...

Finally, as soon as you get here, you’ll need to think about getting away. In one word: Spain. Sing incoherently, belch loudly, drink incessantly, urinate freely, and tell the bloody foreigners where they’ve gone so bloody wrong all these years.

Rule Britannia!