Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Spectacles, Testicles , Wallet and Watch

Budgetary cutbacks brought in by my new Romanian chancellor have left The Thonged One without his morning paper but it's not all bad. No longer am I victim to the weekly price hikes of The Times and the daily incoherent ramblings of Rod Liddle. I now make do with the free paper that’s pushed weekly through the letterbox. I might no longer be up-to-date with the Middle East but I am now an expert in local charity drives, open evenings for adult learners, and I have memorised the description of every conman claiming to be a British Gas fitter in the Bangor region.

In a way, it was fortunate that gave up the newspaper when I did. Watching BBC’s New24 with my morning Alpen, I had an epiphany as vivid as Natasha Kaplinsky’s lip gloss. I suddenly knew what’s wrong with this country of ours. I knew why we’re being humbled daily by the Dutch, why we’re the butt of Belgian jokes, and why we’re seen as the slowest member of the European family. It’s all the fault of Specsavers.

It’s happened so slowly that we haven’t noticed but we’ve become a nation of people wearing ridiculous glasses and the rest of the world think we look like fools. No longer are we satisfied with spectacles in plain brown plastic. Gone are the big John Major bin lids. We’ve become a country of people wearing letterboxes in bright red and striped yellow. In the quest for fashion, people have adopted the style of the barber’s pole. To present themselves as ‘individuals’, the masses have fallen under the spell of Specsavers.

I don’t hesitate in saying that Specsavers are a blight on our land. Their adverts should be enough of a warning. They begin with an average guy in a perfectly normal pair of glasses. Then some domineering girlfriend insists that he goes to Specsavers and he comes out looking like Jerry Lewis’ twin from the 23rd century. Everybody applauds in a grisly echo of Orwellian brain washing techniques. And the outcome is that nobody can see where they’re going because of fashionably small lenses. Mortality rates increase as more people walk under buses.

There’s a social meltdown coming, people, and I’m here to give you the first warning. I can smell revolution in the air. We must choose sides now before it’s too late.

Do we really want a country where we ghettoise people who should have gone to Specsavers but didn’t?

2 comments:

ElizaF said...

Do you know I was thinking the same sort of thing this morning as I walked to work. There is a current fashion in Canary Wharf for ugly, square, thick-framed, scientist-type glasses on the women down there. Rows and rows of them pass me sporting the whole "I'm really a pretty girl under the glasses" look. Clones and sheep. The lipgloss and the patent leather shoes is another look that has taken off. The whole place is beginning to look like a BBC producer's idea of what a female office worker should look like.

Mopsa said...

I know I'm going to need glasses in the not too distant - but those huge Bardot ones are just not my thing - and my days for Lennon round lenses are truly gone. Will I be written off if I head for something in the current fashion? I used to love (for sunglasses) those tortoiseshell jobs that were roundish but with a flattish top...but of course you can't get anything other than huge Bardot or tiny pillar box slits. If I wait to get my eyes tested perhaps they'll come back in fashion, and I'll buy a lifetime supply.