Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Jobs and Dogs

I’ve spent the day filling out an application form for a job. That’s right. I said I spent the entire day ticking boxes and writing in tiny block letters to get everything in the space provided. And I’m still not finished.

The problem I’m having is with people who think we all fit into those boxes. What happens if you went to more than one school? What happens if you have more qualifications than boxes? What happens if you your life doesn’t neatly shrink down into three lines? What happens if your life doesn't reduce to the synopsis of a bad B movie? Also, what happens if you don’t want to admit to what you last did for work? And why am I expected to tell them my last salary? Is it any of their business? What possible reason could they have for knowing it except to offer a pound a week more instead of the salary they printed in the job ad?

Glossing over these details is what a CV is for, I suppose. But in that case, why not just ask for a CV and leave the forms for the bare minimum: sex, age, address, email, hat size.

However, I don't want this to get in the way of the real reason I’ve come online. At the risk of turning my blog into the sort of place where we conduct thought experiments, I want to pick your brains.

A good friend stopped me in the street today and we had been chatting for a while when a pretty aggitated dog passed us by. My friend told me not to worry. She knew the perfect way to disarm a dangerous dog. She explained that her mother had once told her that it’s possible to kill a dog by taking its front legs and pulling them apart. She swore it was true though I didn’t believe her.

I’ve looked all over the web for evidence to back up my friend’s claims, but I’m beginning to think that it’s one of those myths, like the one about what to do when a pitbull has got you in its jaws. As you know, a pitbull’s jaw are supposed to have some mechanism to stop it being forced open once the dog has you in its maw. According to legend, you stick either a pen, a pencil, or a finger up its rectum, thus triggering a hard-wired response in the pitbull’s brain which forces it to let you go. I don’t know if it’s true but you can be sure that I’d let you go if you tried the same with me.

Unfortunately, I don't think this could be considered proof. So, your task for today is to find out if either of these are true. I don’t care how you do it but extra credit will be given for a practical demonstration. (And yes, Mopsa, I'm looking at you. I know you have at least one dog you could try the rectum trick on.)

8 comments:

Momentary Academic said...

I think that you will do smashingly.

Mopsa said...

Chip, I take the dogs to the vets if they need their anal glands playing with, so NO, as tempting as it is to do almost anything for a chap with a torso like yours, I will not be obliging with the digit up their wotsits scenario. However, I was told by a policeman once that indeed pulling apart a dogs front legs quickly and simultaneously would indeed, literally disarm them.

Big Chip Dale said...

MA, thanks. I just need to get the energy to fill the bloody thing in. God I hate forms...

Mopsa, I knew I could rely on you. I should have just asked you at the beginning. My friend will be so relieved that her mother wasn't telling her lies. And I'm now armed with the knowledge of how to disarm a dog. Fantastic news.

Eurodog said...

Good luck if you want to disarm an enraged pittbull or 50 kg rottweiler by pulling its front paws apart. How do you get to the front paws without being mangled?
Pittbulls you are right will not let go. How about blowing air into their nostrels? That will do it.

Big Chip Dale said...

I take your point, Eurodog, though I'm led to believe it will work on smaller dogs, such as poodles and shitzu. Does blowing into their nostrils really work on a pitbull? There must be a way to easily defeat one, only I don't want to be the person have has discover it through experiments.

Lord Higham- Murray said...

...her mother had once told her that it’s possible to kill a dog by taking its front legs and pulling them apart...

Nice woman. From North Wales?

Big Chip Dale said...

Your lordship is quite right. She is from North Wales.

How to disable a savage dog is a hot topic here at the moment due to an excess of Scottish terriers. You can't walk ten feet without one nipping at your ankles.

elberry said...

check these out:
http://voicefromthevoid.wordpress.com/2007/09/17/scars-near-miss/
http://voicefromthevoid.wordpress.com/2007/09/17/dog-scars/

i honestly have no idea how to deal with a dog once it's got you in its jaws. They go mental with adrenaline and you can half-beat them to death without those jaws opening.

It's best to carry a gentleman's walking stick with a swordstick to impale attackers on.

i do like dogs but i often scare them by my lupine stench, so i've had a few tense dealings with my canine brothers. But once they get past my feral odour they worship me.