Saturday, September 15, 2007

Finland

I’m so glad that Finland is no longer recognised as the world’s suicide capital. We might get back to the good old days when it was the Swiss who led the world in precision engineered watches, quality chocolate, and 101 uses of a noose and a bottle of painkillers. The Swiss always carried the honour with a certain nihilistic pride; proving that any nation consisting mainly of hikers and ramblers will eventually bore itself to death. Normality has been restored and leaps from Alpen peaks will once again become as monotonous as Roger Feddera’s backhand.

It was never good that Finland could claim to lead the world in self-destructive tendencies. We must question the mental well-being of any country had has ninety two words for different types of snow and where it was normal for hairy men to spend hours together in the sauna. And children the world over worried needlessly about stories that Santa had massacred his elves before turning the shotgun on himself. Of course, in the real Finland, there are no celebrities. There are just reindeer. And that’s their problem. A nation without celebrities is a nation with neither a heart nor a soul. Look at Wales. We’d be reaching for the bleach if it weren’t for Aled Jones and Max Boyce.

It’s why we’re collectively so blessed here in the UK with so many fantastic celebrities to keep us mentally happy. People like Simon Cowell, Stephen Fry, Jordan, and Victorian Beckham are cultural endorphins. It’s why we live in a nation free of anger, hatred, or depression. While everybody is happy here in the UK, it can’t be any surprise that so many Laplanders cut themselves with sharpened elk horns when the greatest Finnish celebrity is chef Orsk Numglad, known for his reindeer testicle stew. I'm just thankful we've got Jamie Oliver to keep us all sane.

7 comments:

elberry said...

That's funny, a Finnish suicide features prominently in my novel. There are many Finnish celebrities, however: Simo Hayha, Mannerheim, Kiira Korpi, Sanna Suutari, it's quite an interesting country.

Dr. James P. Holdren said...

Chip, don't you mean the Swedish?

Big Chip Dale said...

No, quite sensibly, they're too busy with their pornography and marathon Abba weekends to bother about suicide. Unsurprisingly, they're one of the happiest nations on the planet.

Momentary Academic said...

Hmmm. There is much to think about with this new information...

Bryan Appleyard said...

Amen to that.

rilly super said...

you'd be depressed if you were finnish chip, all those super mobile phones they make there but no signal to be found outside of Helsinki Bus station, if its anything like here anyway

Mopsa said...

Crossed legs on a man - just so NOT a good look, even in the sauna - perhaps especially in a sauna?