Bangor Beach

If you just measure these things by shrinkage, the Bangor shoreline is not a good place for a man in his underpants to be on a cold day in September. However, give a talented photographer a few filters and a pair of old socks and it's astonishing what they can make of it.

The modelling assignment was the first decent job I’ve had in months but it might not have even happened if I hadn’t been experiencing problems in my relationship with all things Romanian.

For the last fortnight, Gabby just hasn't been happy with my making money from bare-knuckle fighting. After my last match when I poleaxed the UK's bare knuckle gypsy champion, she told me to choose either her or the fighting. I had little choice, especially when she had a knife at my throat, but Gabby seemed genuinely relieved and marked my decision by using up a favour she had with the photographer who does all the shots for the Cheeky Girl albums. It turns out that he was in Wales and looking for somebody to model a pair of underpants. Gabby suggested my name and the date was set for last Friday. You can see the result above.

You might be a bit surprised by the amount of clothes I’m wearing. All I can say is that you all know me well enough by now that it will come as no surprise that I normally won’t allow myself to be photographed in anything more than a thong. But this mattered more to me than my image. My relationship with Gabby was at stake. If I had to wear clothes, thought I, then let them be clothes about to be torn from my windswept body by a chilly south-easterly. It’s the reason for the obvious shrinkage but in a way it makes it more suitable for a family audience.

The photographer promised me that it would look tasteful and I think he’s kept his word. I’m not sure about the dark patches on the sand and I think if he was going to spend so much time airbrushing out my ponytail he might also have touched up the raw human sewage. I can tell you: I barely touched my champagne, the stench was so overpowering.

However, we must all suffer for our art and I hope the picture will bring me more modelling gigs. Just, next time, I want a warmer day. That shrinkage is really quite disappointing.