Grooming Tips of the Bored and Restless

I found myself at a bit of a loose end last night. I’d finished watching the final episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm’s second series. Gabby was at a meeting of the local amateur dramatic society who had offered her the lead role in their upcoming musical version of The Importance of Being Ernest. It meant that I was left alone, sitting watching Sky News and the same headlines cycle around for the third or fourth time. I was also doing so much sighing and general moping that I really don’t know how I came to have an electric razor in my hand. I do know I was soon running it over my arms, my chest, my legs… All pretty futile and a measure of how bored I’d become.

Years of waxings and electrolysis mean that there’s less hair on my body than on a lizard’s belly. But being bored, I carried on and even shaved the tops of my toes for the first time in my life. That’s when I began to get a bit wistful, making raspberry noises with my lips, and singing ‘hair free’ to the tune of 'Born Free'. It was when I became distracted watching the lovely Anna Jones on Sky News that I began to run the shaver over my chin, across my upper lip, and then up the side of my jaw. And before I knew what I was doing, I had shaved off my right eyebrow.

I think I'd intended to trim a few of the longer hairs which I could see out of the corner of my eye. Only the blades had grabbed hold and the whole hairy mess went gzzzzzrrrrrrrrr and I felt my eyebrow vanish.

At first I panicked, cursing Sky News and Anna Jones for taking my mind off the eyebrow at hand. I rushed to the bathroom mirror to see the damage. Nine tenths of the eyebrow had gone, with only a bit remaining in tact on the right. It made me look like something from Chinese opera, so I had no choice. I shaved that bit off.

What could I do? I decided to be bold and not to hesitate. It was clear that I looked ridiculous with just one eyebrow so I acted with the kind of firm decision that we’re lacking in these sad days: I shaved my other eyebrow off too.

So now I’m typing without eyebrows. It’s an odd sensation. I’ve already discovered that without eyebrows, sweat hardly stops dripping into my eyes. I couldn't exercise this afternoon until I’d sellotapes two pieces of sponge where my eyebrows once sat. I’m also finding it quite difficult to express surprise or to otherwise frown, though the sponges also help here too.

But enough of all this: does anybody know how long it takes for eyebrows to grow back?