Sunday, July 01, 2007

Chip Dale's Thought Experiments: The Campaign

I've decided to do something about a travesty that has befallen one of our own. Bryan Appleyard’s Thought Experiments hasn’t updated in days and Bryan is now struggling to get Blogger’s support staff to recognize his problem . I feel his pain. Last week, I too fell victim to Blogger's victimization of the brightest and best and the injustice brings tears to all three of my eyes like I'm wearing a salt and vinegar flavoured thong.

The situation has clearly got out of hand and it's time for The Chipster to pull some strings. I've decided to launch a campaign to free Thought Experiments and Big Frank had produced a rather tasteful logo, which I ask you all to wear on your blogs until Bryan is released from his virtual cell.

Blogger must learn that when they silence one of us, they silence us all. This is about personal liberties, the freedom of the press, and about the virtues of having a stable backend. With your help, I hope to make 'Thought Experiments Saved Through Individuals Campaigning Loudly Enough' the big issue of the coming week and I want T.E.S.T.I.C.L.E. to grow enormously in size. To get the ball rolling, I want 10,000 angry and determined bloggers ready to march on Whitehall on Friday where I hope stage a mass strip involving cats dressed as clowns. Gabby has already taken it upon herself to write the campaign’s song.

What has happened to Thought Experiments?
Oh, what has evil Blogger gone and done?
You weren’t like animal experiments,
Smoking beagles, monkeys with makeup on.

She says it will be better when she’s had a couple more days to work on it…

Some of you might be wondering why I’ve decided to lead this fight. You know how busy I've been lately. But I was persuaded to act when Gabby roused me from my mid-afternoon nap.

Before I was woken, I had been dreaming about Cameron Diaz and a jar of chocolate flavoured mustard so you can no doubt imagine my reluctance to open my eyes. I can normally sleep through one of Gabby’s heckles, only this one had something hard attached to it and resonated as it bounced off my head.

‘Chippy Dale!’ she snapped or more accurately barked from the armchair across the room. ‘Are you awake?’

I raised my eyelids and found myself looking at a slightly dented tin of Cornish shortcrust biscuits lying on my chest.

'Are you even listening to me?' asked the voice full of Romanian impatience.

‘O, speak again, bright angel,’ I said, ‘for thou art as glorious to this night, being o’er my head, as is a winged messenger...

I didn’t get chance to finish. The bright angel sent a permanent marker pen fizzing my way. It was more than enough to stop a man misusing Shakespeare for sarcastic purposes.

‘You are a bad man,’ she said, sitting with my laptop on her knee. ‘You let people down.’

‘Me?’ I protested. ‘Who have I let down?’

Didn’t she know the lengths I go to in order to help people? I wanted to tell her about the last week, about the two thousand word piece on Wallace Stevens I’d written for Ms. Baroque, the trouble I went to attending the Blog Power Awards, and the free show I gave everybody when I whipped off my clothes as I picked up my award. I wanted to mention previous months and all the charity work I’ve done, the time I took attending the British Thong Society. I felt like reminding her of my visit to the old folks home…

She held up hands as if to stop me before I could begin to recount my charity work.

‘You not reply to people who email you,’ she said.

I shuddered at the thought that she’d been reading my mail.

‘Who didn’t I email?’ I asked, suddenly feeling a little exposed lying there naked on the sofa.

‘Mr. Blister,’ she said. ‘He email you this week and you never answer.’

Blood through my heart ran cold. She was right. Dear old Montague Blister had emailed me last week but I’d received the message as I'd been heading out the door. I’d forgotten all about replying to the poor man.

Gabby just tutted with the arrogance of one who is rarely wrong. She tapped away at the keyboard.

‘Lots and lots of emails,’ she said. ‘And you not answer every one.’

I made a resolution that I would email Mr. Blister as soon as I got my laptop back.

‘If you want to be good person like me,' said Gabby, 'you must be good friend to people. You must learn to be selfless, Chippy. Good people do good things.’

‘Like threatening to make sausage meat out of the newspaper boy’s liver?’

‘He noisy,’ she replied. ‘But warning good. Gabby not have him waking neighbours.’

‘I suppose,’ I said, rubbing my head where my own sleep had been interrupted.

She slammed the laptop lid down. ‘You do okay, Chippy. No messages Gabby not like but you must be more considerate to people.’

‘Thank you,’ I replied calmly.

‘No, Chippy. You do very well. No other women. No naked pictures on laptop. No. You do very very good.’

‘I just have to learn to be a better person,’ I agreed.

Gabby just smiled. She had clearly made her point.

I’ll get plenty of chances to be a better person later this week. I have something else to write for Ms. Baroque’s blog, which I’ll get done as soon as I’ve finished groveling to Blister and asking for his forgiveness. For the moment, I just need to thank Ian Grey for the fleshy gift he gave me at the Blog Power awards, though this might need some explaining...

You have to picture the scene. I’d gone up to pick up my award for ‘Most Articulate Wordsmith’ when I decided that I’d give everybody an extra treat my whipping off my thong. A couple of clicks of my mouse and I'd disabled the 'clothes' option and I was standing there, surrounded by dozens of virtual visitors, in my virtual birthday suit. There were, of course, a few gasps and virtual gasps, which I naturally acknowledged with my usual humility. Until, that is, somebody pointed out that I didn’t have any genitals.

The room fell silent.

It was true. I was like an Action Man figure below the waist. I didn't know what to say. I was ready to blame my computer for lacking the processing power to render my genitalia when, thankfully, Ian stepped in and presented me with some genitals from his own collection. So relieved, I foolishly tried them on, without giving any thought as to how they were meant to be worn. I was stunned to discover that they attached themselves to my elbow. It was not a pretty sight and there were some screams in the room. I also attribute the genitals on my elbow with my computer choosing that moment to crash and to dump me back to my desktop.

And that's when I decided that I'd fight the evils of technical glitches. It's why I've decided to head T.E.S.T.I.C.L.E. and it's also why I'm so sure we'll win.

After all, when was the last time you knew a man with a large penis attached to his elbow to be wrong?


Internet Ronin said...

Thanks for the update, Chip. I've been checking in here (and there) to see if there was any news, particularly as you mentioned attending the second life awards.

It has been a bit interesting, clicking on "post a comment" only to have numerous unpublished comments displayed in all their glory. (Truth be known, I was kind of hoping Bryan would use that mode of communication to relay the nature of his distress to his public ;-)

rilly super said...

crikey, ever so impressed by your new tasteful design chip. I trust you be updating the photo to reflect your new, and characteristically original, anatomical layout.

Bryan Appleyard said...

I am moved to tears, Chip. I am not worthy.

Big Chip Dale said...

Ronin: it's good to see that you've spreading the banner. Will you be able to attend the clown burning ceremony in Hyde Park on Friday? We'll also be reading extracts from Bryan's latest as we douse kittens with petrol.

Rilly: my design is evolving, so if you can think of anything clever I can do with my buttocks, I'd love to hear them. I worry that it's all a bit unsafe for work...

Bryan: it's only natural that you feel humbled but this is about our fundamental human rights. Besides, if I don't do this for a member of the British Thong Society, who should I do it for?

james higham said...

What can we do about this, Chip? It's an appalling state of affairs.

Big Chip Dale said...

James, after the staggering success of BlogPower awards, I think this should be your next campaign.

I've started the ball rolling. You need to take up the cause of T.E.S.T.I.C.L.E. and help free Bryan from the grip of Blogger. I want to organise a series of events around London to highlight this travesty. I've already got a line on some cheap kittens and I know a clown who is willing to juggle them live on Sky News. We're still debating whether they should be flaming.

David B said...

I've also joined the ranks, Chip.

Big Chip Dale said...

Thanks David. Spread the word. Everybody supporter to get a free 'flaming kitten' t-shirt.*

* Only while stocks last.

Internet Ronin said...

Barring a precipitate drop in trans-continental & trans-Atlantic airfares, Chip, I fear that I may miss the demonstration, but I shall be there in spirit and hope to arrange C-Span coverage.

As you make no mention of him, am I correct in assuming that we are content to leave Nige behind in Blogger purgatory? He has remained quiet throughout this episode, not even attempting a test comment, I am wondering about the possibility that this is merely a coup d'etat on Nige's part.

When I tried to spread the word amongst my friends on this side of the pond (all 3 of them), I regret to say that the response has been a lamentable, "Bryan who?" As a result, I've resorted to quoting Donne to the religious, and encouraging the godless leftists amongst them to think of it as an exercise in solidarity.

As I think you need more widespread coverage of this campaign, I was wondering if you (or any of your readers) had an "in" with Guido Fawkes. It seems to me he revels in tweaking authority , and claims to be an avid reader of Thought Experiments. A mention on his blog might be just the push this campaign needs. While some might argue such a push could only lead over the edge, I contend the campaign passed over that with the clown burning and is about half-way down to wherever it is going now that you've announced the availability of flaming kitten t-shirts.

On reflection, I'm not at all sure that Bryan will want out of his cell after this campaign.

Big Chip Dale said...

The key phrase in this campaign is 'scorched earth'. I want no blog left standing until Bryan is back with his Thought Experiments. I need somewhere where I'm allowed to post my meaningless comments...

Of course, this campaign is also on behalf of Nige too. Only, I'm yet to be convinced that Nige isn't Bryan. I've only seen a picture of a man in Groucho glasses and I'm not yet certain that it wasn't Bryan being his mischievous self.

Unfortunately, I have no 'ins' with the big bloggers. I don't actually have any 'ins' with small bloggers either. I do, however, have 'ins' with the Romanian mafia and they have promised to have Bryan's picture tattoo on the bottoms of everybody illegally traffiked into the country for the next six months.

Andrew said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Big Chip Dale said...

Damn you and your reasoning, Andrew! Where is the backbone of the modern Irish male? Get with the spirit of the uprising. Post Bryan's logo to you blog and demand action!

Of course, if they silence Bryan they don't silence us all. But when the mighty have fallen, who do you think they will come after next? Exactly! It's men like us; free-spirited men wearing only a thong and a coal-miner's helmet that will be silenced.

If you believe in free speech, get behind my TESTICLE.

Andrew said...

I hate to say it but there's a flaw in your reasoning, Chip. You made the bold satement, "Blogger must learn that when they silence one of us, they silence us all." With this in mind, I'm afraid your only suitable protest is to bravely abandon your own blog and hope either Blogger becomes alarmed(a doubtful eventuality), or someone else comes up with a more effective plan. TESTICLE seems to go firmly against the notion of silencing us all.

Big Chip Dale said...

Ah, it's the old 'delete my post when Chip's replying to it' ploy!

Well, I still stand by everything I said.

Andrew said...

Shite, I negated one of my lines with a mis-placed insertion of the word 'not' there, Chip, thus possibly confusing readers. Apologies about the minor feck-up.

Big Chip Dale said...

Ah, it's the old 'delete my post while Chip's replying to it and then post it again to really screw him up' ploy!

Well, you're right, Andrew. But you should know me well enough by now. I'm not bright enough to follow half of what's said on Bryan's blog. But I defend his right to say it.

And don't doubt the power of TESTICLE. It's already growing with alarming speed.

Big Chip Dale said...

Clearly you're as distraught as we all during these dark hours, Andrew. Your slip-ups just demonstrate that you're human.

Andrew said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Big Chip Dale said...

Ha, ha! A deleted comment? I think I spotted a ghost in the machine. And a foul mouthed ghost at that...

Edwina Currie said...

All this Thought Experiments absence horshite...What aload of bollocks about someone else's not spouting a load of bollocks.

Not sure why that genius Andrew deleted his latest comment....presumably nothing to do with posting a comment such as the above using the wrong fucking name.

Internet Ronin said...

Call Guido, Chip. He's posted his hotline for tips in the upper right of his blog. And, as you know, this is hot stuff. Promise him an exclusive. Tell him you'll call your friends in the Romanian mafia if he doesn't jump on board.

Andrew said...

I think something strange may indeed have just happened, Chip. I just drank some Toilet Duck as I'm out of milk amd everything went a bit hazy.

ian russell said...

what if it never broke?

listen, I watched Doctor Who and I know how it ends: you have to move backwards in time, undoing all that's happened until it begins to creep forwards again.

Big Chip Dale said...

I'll be honest, Ronin: Guido scares me almost as much as Edwina.

Andrew, you're back on the Toilet Duck? I thought you'd kicked the habit. It too six months for Gabby to give it up when she went through her addiction. Stop now before it disinfects your gut and leaves your teeth smelling of pine.

Big Chip Dale said...

Engaging my time-reversal thong now, Ian. It will soon be 1981 we'll be strutting our stuff to Kid Creole and his Coconuts.

Andrew said...

What's Gabby's tipple of choice now, Chip. Just to be clear where you stand- you're advising against the imbibing of Toilet Duck?

Big Chip Dale said...

Toilet Duck is definitely out. I've banned it from the flat since Gabby tried to execute a Vulcan death grip on our greengrocer.

I'm not a big drinker myself, you understand, but Gabby now swears by a 'Drain Blaster', which is one part vodka, one part absinthe, and two parts windowlene.

Bryan Appleyard said...

Nige, since you ask, is in France. I am still silenced. The struggle continues.

Big Chip Dale said...

Take heart, Bryan. The message is starting to spread and it will soon be a raging wildfire, leaping from blog to blog.

The message will reach Blogger but, if it doesn't, Nige in France is perfectly situated to hit Brussels with our message. I'll even send him a smoke-free clown to burn outside the EU court of human rights.

Susan B., Phila., Pa. said...

Ah, so now I learn what has happened to ol' Bryan. And to think I was so worried I even sent him an e-mail (which he didn't deign to answer, tant pis pour moi).

But, Chippy Dale, if TESTICLE is growing, as you say, does that mean there's a case of elephantiasis involved here too?

I hope not.....

Internet Ronin said...

The message will reach Blogger but, if it doesn't, Nige in France is perfectly situated to hit Brussels with our message.

Chip, see my reply to you on my blog. We were incredibly close to coast-to-coast coverage in the U.S.A. of this injustice when Dave Barry up and decided to go watch some freaks bat a ball back and forth over a net at some place called Wimbledon. Perhaps you've heard of it. My appeal to him arrived a couple of minutes after he departed for your Land of Hope & Glory.

(Apparently, his wife is covering the matches from the press box. Any ideas?)

Delicolor said...

I'm honoured to have become an actual label on your blog.

I feel for Bryan, I get twitchy when my ISP email is down, let alone the Lefty baiter that is Shades of Grey.

As to the Penis, I seem to recall you uttering "I'm used to something bigger" before you disappeared. No doubt modesty forbids you drawing attention to it in polite company.

Big Chip Dale said...

Ronin, of course I have an idea (I posted about it on your blog) but now I've had a better one. It's probably the one you were thinking of when you posted your comment. I'll streak for Bryan. I'll write 'These Thought Experiments Don't Bounce' across my chest and run around centre court. Dave Barry's wife is sure to notice.

Ian, I might have said that but I didn't believe I was in polite company after you'd expelled your virtual gases around the room. I tried to wear your gift a bit later but it looked very incongruous. I felt like I was a walking visual representation of a certain poem by Philip Larkin.

Internet Ronin said...

It's probably the one you were thinking of when you posted your comment. I'll streak for Bryan. I'll write 'These Thought Experiments Don't Bounce' across my chest and run around centre court.

That's the spirit, Chip!

And yes, I really did email Dave Barry and, as misfortune would have it, it really did go out 2 minutes after he posted his departure. Upon discovering this, I then posted an abridged version referencing T.E.S.T.I.C.L.E. to the comments section, but it was already overrun spoil-sports wishing Dave a happy birthday.

Pity he didn't see it. I did some of my best work to date on that missive. A real tear-jerker. I said we were at our wit's ends, noting that the fact some of us were half-wits and didn't have that far to travel anyway should not make one whit of difference. The Blogger One Must Go Free! (I had planned to append a stirring rendition of The Internationale at that point, but feared the long arm of the RIAA would have me interned in turn.)

Dave Barry's wife is sure to notice.

As will the bobbies, no doubt. Put me down for a fiver if you need to post bail.

Internet Ronin said...

Great news, Chip! The campaign is showing the first fruits of success: someone claiming to be a paid employee of Blogger has responded to Bryan on the Help! thread Blogger maintains. His name appears in a special color, so he might be. I say "he" because the name is "Jordan," IIRC.

Jordan also asked that Bryan confine his appeals there to the one thread. I wonder if Bryan has seen, or received this important message. (I believe they email a copy to email address of record.) They claim to be interested in finding out exactly what Bryan's problem is and when. That may be true, but I think we need to expand this campaign and intensify the pressure until they right this horrible wrong. I hope you are with me on this.

(I'd post a link, but I think I may have been 86'd for rude behavior and intemperate language directed at a self-appointed guardian of Blogger Help political correctness.)

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