Hear Me Roar!

I have to be quick. I’ve just read that the key to blogging is brevity.

It's kind of hard concept for a man like me to understand. My whole career has been based around making the strip last as long as possible, which, were it blogging, would amount to me running on stage, quick wave to the crowd, whip off my thong, and once round the audience giving my white meat more rough treatment than you’d find in a Bernard Matthews rendering plant.

In, out, and off to rapturous applause in 37 seconds.

So, I have to be quick…

Okay, Chipster. Stay focussed.

Focussed on what I wanted to say, which is my report about Blogger TV on 18 Doughty Street.

I watched if for the first time tonight. Being new to this blogging world, I’m catching up on what we bloggers are supposed to do. I’ve been worried about my lack of readership. I still can’t get people to link to me and 75% of my audience still arrive from Mexico on the back of a search for ‘the chipendales’ (there are two ‘p’s in Chippendales, my Mexican friends). I had hoped that Blogger TV would address that type of issue for me. How to become widely read inside two weeks. That sort of thing.

Because I was still feeling a little physically drained after my bout of flu, I decided to get in bed before nine and listen to four eminent bloggers discuss the tools of the trade.

Only they weren’t discussing tips on blogging but whether we bloggers are really pub bores.

It was horrible moment. Lying there naked, derobed except for a slight covering of peppermint scented baby oil, I felt myself go limp with the realisation that… I don’t think I can bring myself to even type it.

That I'm a bore?

I’ve been accused of many things in my time: being an exhibitionist, a thrill seeker, a magician of the thong, and even the country’s sexiest Lib Dem (except for He Who Shall Not Be Named). But I’ve never been accused of boring anybody. Well, not in that sense of the word but we won’t go there.

Yet I see our problem. Political are about politics. Is there anything as pitiful? I mean look at it. Politics has a lower audience than crown green bowling. Which means that if I keep mentioning crown green bowling, my readership will probably skyrocket.

Crown green bowling. Crown green bowling. Nice shot there, Stan. Nestling up to the jack, you’ve played a blinder! Beautiful line Mrs. Green. How’s you cat? Oh, did you hear my knees crack… The trouble with young people today…National service. Hang em! Fancy another custard cream Mrs. Green?

Ah ha! Sorry. Got carried away pandering to my new audience. (No, not you, my hombres, you want 'chippendales' with two p's).

But as I was saying, political blogging is not an activity for the reader. Even the Chipster, with days left empty except keeping himself moist for his evening shows, doesn’t find the time to read that many political blogs. I don’t understand what they talk about and I’ve never heard of most of the people they quote. Then there’s the fact that I find them dull, except when there’s a bit of controversy at play. Which is why I’ve come up with my brilliant plan to liven things up around here.

I’ve decided to start a blog war.

I don’t know who I’ll rage my war against. Auditions will begin shortly but the nomination process is now open. To make this fair, I want my blog war to be a peaceable affair with a party who agrees to open hostilities with me. The terms and conditions will be mutually agreed upon. No personal insults about the quality of our blogging. I was thinking about choosing some arbitrary concept and arguing at great length about it. Topics to choose from should include:

The pros and cons of Pot Noodles.
The meaning of the word ‘quixotic’.
The literary career of Jeffrey Archer.
The cultural impact of vests.
Jimmy Saville: Creepy or Geeky?
Modern twentieth century poetry.
The pros and cons of Blog Wars.

These are just for starters, to get us thinking about how we might develop this plan. I might just change my mind about this in the morning but, at this point of time as I’m about roll over and go to sleep, it sounds a pretty sound idea to me.

Is This Blog War The New Stripping War?

I have a great feeling today and it’s all thong.

Wow! The tablets really worked last night. I’m feeling more like myself today. Funny how the sickness took me to places I’ve never been before. And I’ve had a hankering for classical music that just wasn’t right, so today I’ve put on the Rolling Stones and I’ve got back to practising my full catalogue of stripping routines. I’ve just finished a five minute warm up which ended with my sending my underwear flying fifteen feet across the room and coming to rest exactly where I’d aimed, hanging from my UK Stripper of the Year award

Not that I think that everything had happened over the weekend was lamentable. I mean, I wrote something. I discovered something. And for a while on Saturday night I thought I was a giant cactus baking in the Arizona desert. But for that we can just blame a bad reaction to the antibiotics.

And doesn't the world seems a better place this morning? I was happy to read that my namesake has issued a plea for the blogging war to come to an end. It’s about time that we come together as a community of bloggers and stop this senseless war.

It resembles to my own disagreement with Tom ‘Greasy Whiplash’ Iceland when he accused me of lying when I denied calling him a ‘nude nihilist’. I didn’t even know the meaning of the word but his accusations still came thick and fast. Then he started on Gary ‘Wierdo’ Forks, revealing the poor man had had buttock implants during his time at university. The whole thing grew terribly out of proportion (much like Wierdo's buttocks after the implants) and soon North Wales' stripping community was fighting among itself and became something of a laughing stock.

As you know, The Chipster is a man of peace and hates to see grown men quibble over things as trivial as politics or who first came up with the idea of dangling a handbag from between his clenched buttocks. The world is simply packed with too many good things, and with so many ladies to please with our gyrations, there’s more than enough room in the world for Chip Dale, Tom Iceland, and Gary Forks.