One of Those Meme Things

I don't normally go for these memes but at least it's got me writing something and has cheered me up a little... Thanks to Reading The Signs for this.

A ~ Available? For parties, hen nights, and poetry readings. Reasonable rates.
B ~ Best friend. Oh, Gabby. Of course it’s Gabby.
C ~ Cake or pie? Cake. Lemon meringue. Actually, at the moment, I’d prefer flan. Keep things simple. Cheese and onion.
D ~ Drink of choice: Water. It's God juice and good for you!
E ~ Essential thing used every day: what else but my thong?
F ~ Favorite color: Black.
G ~ Gummi bears or worms? What the hell is a gummi bear? For that reason alone: worms.
H ~ Hometown: Bangor.
I ~ Indulgence: Lunch when we can afford it.
J ~ January or February? February.
K ~ Kids and names: It’s probably a good idea but not for me at this time in my stripping career.
L ~ Life is incomplete without: a collection of thongs.
M ~ Marriage date: Ha!
N ~ Number of siblings: One.
O ~ Oranges or apples? Apples.
P ~ Phobias/fears: Snakes, frogs, public nudity, failure.
Q ~ Favorite quote: ‘Brace yourself Brenda’.
R ~ Reason to smile: none at the moment. It’s all pretty bleak.
S~ favorite Season – Spring.
T ~ Tag three people: Must I? Okay, Fictional Rockstar, Elberry (since he claims to be back blogging, let’s make him suffer), and Richard Madeley (because I just like making him suffer).
U ~ Unknown fact about me: I’m not really a stripper… No, only joking. I’m really a hugely successful man of letters and have lectured at Cambridge. Okay, I’m six feet two inches tall.
V ~ Vegetable you don't like: the guy at the local supermarket who packs the bags. He had some kind of accident involving metal piping… He’s pretty gone most of the time but seems to have it in for me. He deliberately digs his nails into my fresh fruit.
W ~ Worst habit: snapping the strap of my thong when bored. Just… like… this…
X ~X-rays you've had: once on my back when a traffic warden fell on me during a show.
Y ~ Your favorite food: pasta. I love pasta!
Z ~ Zodiac: Libra. Two hanging cups perfectly balanced just about sums me up.

I'm in Meme Hell!

I’ve been tagged to do three memes, which has thrown my day. I had planned to finish the novel, contact a publisher, sign contracts, attend book signings, and then later in the day, do some charity work and adopt a few Romanian orphans.

Instead, I'll have to answer these questions, which isn't that bad until it comes to nominating others to help spread the infection. I just hate imposing on people. And then there's all the linking to be done.

Anyway, the first two are from Steve at The Daily Referendum., which means I had to strike him from the Chipster's Christmas card list.

At this point, I'm supposed to give you instructions about how to implement the meme, but I don't do the whole rules thing. Bad for the back, don't you know? And not so good for the thong. So...

Eight Random Facts

1. I’m allergic to onions.
2. I once threw a bottle of salad cream at the fifth Doctor Who and was subsequently arrested and spent the night in prison.
3. I have no nail on the little toe of my right foot. It’s the only fault in the Chipster’s otherwise perfect body.
4. My brother has a blog but we never speak and I certainly won’t link to the bastard.
5. I was an extra in the first Muppet Movie. You can see me briefly after 1hr 37minutes. You can also see my brother but I’m not telling you where.
6. Photographs tend to make me look like a certain Lib Dem when in real life I’m much better looking.
7. I used my shaved body hair to fill pillows which I then donate to charities. They are very popular.
8. I live on less than £38 per week because I put all my thong money into the bank. I'm not a rich man.

I now tag: Mr. Baroque, RealPolitik at Alien Nation, Andrew at In Absentia, Mutterings and Meandering, and Rilly.

The second meme, I really can’t be bothered with answering sensibly. Who gives a hoot about Gordon Brown? The man not my Prime Minister. I didn't vote for him. So:

2 things Gordon Brown should be proud of:
– Opening dialogue with the Chinese.
– The legacy of the last ten years including not getting us blown up by the Chinese.

2 things he should apologise for:
– Harsh words said about the Chinese by the Prime Minister, the late Duke of Wellington.
– The BBC’s Chinese service

2 things he should do immediately when he becomes PM:
– Send the paramilitary wing of the Girl Guides deep into Chinese territory.
– Segregate Humberside and give it to the Chinese.

2 things he should do while he is PM:
– Keep one eye on those Chinese.
– Keep the other eye on the Chinese.

I'm suppose to pass this one on too, but you really wouldn't want to be tagged, would you? If you do, leave a comment and consider yourself tagged. Otherwise, let's allow the world's most boring meme to die a lonely death.

Okay, that's two done.

The final meme I should have replied to last week but circumstances meant that it completely slipped my mind. Sorry, Mutterings and Meandering.

What were you doing ten years ago?

Studying hard to become an engineer and help revitalise the British car industry.

What were you doing one year ago?
Stripping.

Five snacks you enjoy
Noodles, wafer biscuits, apples, bananas, anything containing sun dried tomatoes.

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics
Bridge Over Trouble Waters (Paul Simon), LA Woman (The Doors), Suzanne (Leonard Cohen), Needle and the Damage Done (Neil Young), and Jean Michel Jarre’s ‘Oxygene Part 2’

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire
Form a writing commune and not invite that bugger Rushdie.
Move to France.
Continue to write.
Visit the US and Cananda.
Meet interesting people who don’t know that I was a stripper.

Five bad habits
Yodelling, spontaneous nudity, speaking my mind, insulting fools, picking my teeth with my toes.

Five things you like doing
Writing, cycling, walking, dancing, writing.

Five things you would never wear again
Polyester, nappies, ladies clothes, an army uniform, a large luminous target.

Five favourite toys
My car, my home cinema, Buckaroo, Gabby, Gabby's crossbow,

And I have to tag five bloggers: Jan at The Devil's Pact, Ian at Shades of Grey, Mopsa, Trixy, and since that's only four, I have chance to send one of these back to Steve at The Daily Referendum. That'll teach him...

After all that, I need a coffee before I do something more productive with my time.