Aftershave

Gabby often tells me that I’m cursed by good looks but the reality is that I have a face that doesn’t seem to age. Chip Dale, they say, you look so youthful you must have a secret.

Well, it might come as something of a surprise to you but I’m not one of these men that buy into the culture of the ‘new man’. I don’t want to be in tune with my feminine side. I don’t buy male grooming products and I despise beauty products made for men. When I buy an aftershave, I don’t want wrinkle-free moisturiser. I want something that will give me wrinkles like Lee Marvin.

But it’s harder to be an Old Guy these days. It’s becoming almost impossible to buy a bottle of something akin to white spirit that I can slap on my face to avoid razor burn. A few years ago, Boots sold their own brand of no-nonsense aftershave with names like Freshwood. Now there’s three shelves of moisturizer, skin tonic, pre-shave lotion, and more balms than you’ll find in the Old Testament. There are anti-wrinkle creams and lubricants to make the shave easier.

It's all a scam. Under the pretence of giving me more choice, they give me less. They want to make me into a consumer when all I wanted was a simple bottle of aftershave.