Thursday, March 13, 2008

Chocolate Chip

When Gabby poked me with the end of a broom this morning, I knew it was time for my triumphant return to the world of blogging. There were too many things that needed to be said.

'Chip, you get out of bed right now!' she scolded as she pressed the handle into my right buttock. 'You dirty dirty man! Dirty!'

I could see the reasons for Romanian disgust. I'd gone to sleep a little too quickly last night and the thick chocolate mousse that covered a good deal of my torso had hardened in the night; and I hadn't had chance to explain any of this to my darling partner.

The 'why' had been my first successful booking since I went dormant a few months ago and began to pile on the pounds. Last night, I performed at the Green Dragon Tavern with the world première of my Oompa-Loompa strip in which I begin dressed in white overalls and with an orange face, and end up rolling around in a inflatable pool filled with chocolate. It's less Dahl and more Dalí with a touch of the Béatrice Dalle once I get my underwear off.

How the women of Bangor loved it and loved me. Such had been my success that two hours at the bar had left me totally drunk and with only the wits to get back to the flat. When I got home, around three o'clock this morning, I crawled into bed and fell into a deep and blissful sleep.

Now everything is explained and I'm washed, I can say it's good to be back and such a relief to be taking off my clothes again for a living. A full pouch last night has paid off months of debt as well as doing so much for my self-esteem. For a few weeks in January, I even had trouble finding thongs to fit me but I can assure you that everything is now normal down there. Ship shape and Bristol fashion, as they say, except, of course, there's nothing down there that's shaped like a ship.

Just a large stealthy submarine with a full compliment of hip thrusts that are fully armed and aimed in your direction.

As for this blog, I hope to be writing more often. I'm starting work on a most interesting project that I might just share with you...


Anonymous said...

You're more than welcome to thrust your Welsh hips at me, boyo.

Good to have you back.

The Twitch said...

This "new project" would'nt happen to be chocolate thongs would it?
Welcome back Chip.

monix said...

Glad to witness your triumphant return to blogging.

Ian Appleby said...

Hurray, and I didn't even have to wheel out Nick Cave's new album.

Big Chip Dale said...

It's so good to be back.

Elberry, I'd leave comments on your blog but you've turned them off. I admire your spirit. A signed thong is in the post and I haven't washed it.

Twitch, it would be a Chocolate Chip Thong. How did you know?

Monix, hardly triumphant. Or at least not as triumphant as tonight's routine. The addition of a squirrel to the act was inspired.

Ian, well I understand there is a new Nick Cave album out but I've not had chance to listen to it.

Randy (Internet Ronin) said...

I'm late to the party (as always) but glad to see you back, Chip!

Mopsa said...

Bloody hell, I'd thought you'd died - at the hands of Gabby.

monix said...

Do you mean this site isn't about you?

Mrs McAvoy's Buzz said...

I ask you, why does Richard get pictures and not me ;)

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