Sunday, March 16, 2008

Boris and Johnson

I've never understood the reason why somebody might want to go and stand in a wet field and listen to some outdated rockers screaming their lungs out half a mile away. However, I've still decided to offer my services to this year's Glastonbury festival. With a low number of big name acts, I understand that the punters aren't buying up tickets as they normally do at this time of the year. Perhaps they can't hire the helicopters or they're all out of green Wellington boots and hunting sticks...

Whatever their reason, my new Rolling Stone's inspired routine is sure to bring them back. 'Two Stones in a Pouch' is perfect for a festival venue and it's certain to delight even those at the back of the crowd whose vision is obscured by golfing umbrellas, inflatable sheep, and the effects of hemp cigars. Not only do I attract a large following to my gigs (I'm big among Welsh traffic wardens), I'm also easy on the environment. Not only is my coconut oil biodegradable but it's friendly to small animals. My new pair of pet squirrels are testament to the fact. Never will you have seen two such well oiled critters.

My squirrels? Oh, you probably don't know about them. They are Red Squirrels and I call them Boris and Johnson. They also form part of my act. Gabby managed to catch them in some woods near Bangor and in six weeks she'd hand reared them. I suppose the word 'broken' is a more accurate way of describing the process. After forty two nights of screaming at them and making them suffer sleep deprivation, they were finally domesticated. Their training too much less time and now I can run around on stage with the pair of them nestling in my posing pouch. I've even dyed myself down there to make a matching threesome, though I've not gone so far as to follow Gabby's suggestion that I call it Alvin and dress it in a small sweater. That idea was ludicrous. After all, a squirrel is not technically a chipmunk.

Speaking of ludicrous ideas: as inspired as my new act undoubtedly is, I won't be taking my squirrels to Glastonbury. That would just be crazy talk and you'd think I'd lost my wits. Honestly: who has ever heard of squirrels performing at Glastonbury? However, if you're in the Bangor region, we'll be performing at the Green Dragon Tavern tomorrow night.

If you come along, don't forget to bring some nuts and throw them at me on stage. It will make for a nice spot of role reversal.


Randy (Internet Ronin) said...

I'll be in your neck of the woods in mid-June, I think, so keep us posted on your future engagements!

Richard Madeley said...

I want photographic evidence of these squirrels, Chip. If they are real, we'll book you on the show. You could be the next sensation from Wales and bigger than Max Boyce.

The Twitch said...

A word of warning Chip. I hear the Animal Rights people have had news of your exploitation of small furry animals in your act. They have sent out a gang of angry activists to liberate the hairy beasts hiding in your thong.Maybe you should just give the sqirrels a couple of nuts and then set them free.

rilly super said...

chip old chap, thought we'd lost you for good for a while so bloody good to see you back in the saddle, if that's the correct metaphor for a bare arsed blogger like your self - perhaps back in the suitably softly upholstered non-airtight-seal-forming seating more usually found in blogging strippers residences, whatever, good to see you my friend

Gay Holidays said...

Chip, you're hired. We've arranged for you to feature on the Pyramid Stage on the Saturday night. You and the squirrels! Drop any gigs in Bangor, get a ticket and get down here.

We've written a really useful step by step guide so that anyone can get a ticket for Glastonbury this year for this year's festival!!!

Trixy said...

It was so kind of you and Gaby to sign my cast the other evening!

I was sad you weren't wearing your thong, though.

Ian said...

Hi there,

Sorry to be a bit off topic here, but I am the author of a book called 'A Place in My Country: In Search of a Rural Dream.'

A blogger (Katyboo1’s Weblog) recently posted a review of my book on and on her own blog.

I hope you don't mind but I thought it might therefore appeal to you too, as she has you on her blogroll.

Here's the Amazon reference but it is published by Phoenix in paperback and was published by Weidenfeld & Nicholson last year.

Anyway, there it is. Again, hope you don't object to this shameless self-promotion.

Kind regards,

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