Showing posts with label blogpower awards. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blogpower awards. Show all posts

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Awoken: A Ghost Story

Yesterday is simply too complicated for me to go into great detail and I don’t think any of you really want to hear what happens when a stripper manages to offend the whole of Bangor’s unwed mothers with a silly little remark about the cooking times of buns in ovens. It took me some time and a free demonstration of my skills as Wales’ top stripper to bring them back on my side and by the time 2 o’clock came around, all was well with the world. The ladies loved me again.

I got home late and in a strangely relaxed mood. I sat down for an hour and penned the following little short story which I’m considering putting up on the Telegraph blog. I’m not a man to go in for these literary competitions, though I often take great delight in completing the entries. It’s not that I hate the idea of losing, but I do worry about winning. Not, I’ve ever won a thing for anything I’ve written, but for the highly esteemed Blogpower Most Literature Wordsmith award, which has since become enshrined in the form of a tattoo. Not that I have a tattoo, you understand, but Gabby volunteered to have it for me. I don't know why I'm telling you any of this given that I'm sure you've all heard the story of how James Higham’s portrait was recorded for immortality on the left cheek of the cheekier of the Cheeky Girls.

I’m off to soak in the bath while you enjoy or endure my weak attempt at supernatural fiction for Halloween.

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Awoken

I awoke to ghoulish laughter.

My mind strained against the lock of my eyelids, my neck against the numb hold of sweat that had soaked my hair into the pillow. My spirit was listless but my body awake, angry, confused, and when my eyes opened, they did so with an almost audible gasp that equated to vision.

The boy was standing at the bottom of the bed, his face contorted by laughter until he saw me wake and then it reformed itself into a look of calm bemusement. Ten years old, perhaps a little older, the boy was pale, fraught, nightmarish. I could hardly look on his face, marked as it was by sunken eyes like twin tender beds where dead bodies lay buried.

He was dressed for theatrics, wrapped inside a black cape and chewing on a set of plastic fangs, a grim totem of childish games and the role he had chosen to play. My attention seemed to change him and the teeth trailed saliva behind them as he spat them into his hand.

‘You’re awake,’ he said.

Just like that; bold and uncomplicated, as though a strange man waking up in his bed was nothing out of the ordinary.

I tried to speak but found nothing where I had last left my voice. Panic, fear, a sense of betrayal: they were coarse fibres, tangible like a noose around my throat.

‘I’m dreaming,’ I must have finally muttered.

‘You’re not afraid?’ he asked, looking down at the grin he held in his hand. ‘I guess you’re not. It’s not as though they’re like real teeth.’

‘I’m not afraid,’ I said. ‘But you need to tell me where I am.’

‘Lost,’ he said.

Lost? The question had to have been little more than a look in my eye but he seemed to know it by that alone.

‘This isn’t your place but I didn’t mind you resting a while,’ he answered. ‘You look sick. Mother always used to say that we help people who are sick or have lost their way.’

I could not bring myself to ask the easy questions. Where. How. Why. They sounded too direct when they formed in my mind. I feared that there might be an answer to each.

‘What is this place?’ I mouthed, feeling no better about the words I’d chosen.

‘This is where the undead make their home,’ he said in an assumed voice like that of a revenant spirit. Then he laughed and held up the teeth. ‘And you don’t belong here.’ He looked towards the door. ‘They’ll be here soon, so you’ll have to go back. They can’t see you. They can never see you.’

‘Go?’ I asked, raising myself. The movement sparked sensation in my body. I recognised it. Warm, languid, perhaps a touch of the opiate. For the first time, a thing made sense. There had been a time, a short time, when my problems had taken me by unawares. I had succumbed to temptation of the easy fix, the ten minute solution of the spoon and lighter. But that had been so long ago and a habit that I had formed and then unformed, even if I couldn’t remember how.

For the first time, I looked beyond the boy and at my surroundings. The room was familiar. I remembered that it had once been my bedroom. A toy aeroplane hung from the ceiling and twisted in an endless tailspin. The wallpaper, yellowed, had bubbled in places. Cold moisture saturated the corner of the room where I recognised the window, the recess where a seat overlooked what I knew was a garden, an apple tree, a place where a stream broke in a crooked line towards the house. In the recess sat a large pumpkin with a cruel razor slash of a mouth. Each, in a way, were the form if not the detail of something I remembered as my own childhood.

I wanted to ask if he thought he belonged to my world but he anticipated my question.

‘I’ll see you again,’ he said and before I could stop him he ran out of the room.

I struggled to my feet, more rolling out of bed than standing, but I found myself balanced on legs weaker than straws. I was in no condition to go after him, no condition to go chasing a ghost around a house it had taken for its own. Yet that was what I did… in a fashion.

The bedroom door fell towards me then the world rolled around to a small landing, stuck with the pall of gloom, bad wallpaper, cheap carpet, the familiar taste of dog in the air.

The boy had paused at the stairs.

If he was a fiend, he was a minor fiend with a touch of the amateur dramatics. He held his arm across his face, speaking from behind elbow and cape.

‘You’ll never catch me,’ he said before he took flight down the steps two at a time.

An imbalance of wall, banister, vertigo followed and I was at the top of the staircase.

‘Wait,’ I whispered to the figure below me, ‘you must tell me. Do I know you?’

But he did not stop. One. Two. Three. Three steps took him across the hall and he was at the front door.

He waited as I slowly navigated my way into normality. After the semi coma of a sleep, I was beginning to find myself again. I recognised the hall, though not the modern hat stand dressed in a pair of black stilettos, a pink umbrella, and a navy blue overcoat with a folded copy of the Daily Telegraph standing proud in its pocket. I didn’t wait as I lumbered past that prop body. I wanted to reach the boy who had stepped to the threshold of the house. I don’t know how but I knew that if he escaped, I would never catch him.

‘You have to wait,’ I pleaded. ‘Your name. You have to tell me your name. Prove to me who you are. What are you doing here? What did you want?’

He shrugged. ‘I’ll see you again,’ he promised and returned the teeth to his mouth.

With a stroke of an arm, the cape caught the air and the vampire flew, the light exposing the thinness of the fabric that made up his cape and then the sun blazed as it touched him. Light evaporated his body as I too reached the door, swinging shut behind him.

I thought him gone until I then saw him running down the garden path, his cape flailing behind him as he played. But then I saw no more. The door closed despite my feeble attempts to stop it as wood and handle passed straight through my long dead immaterial hands.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

If Only Larry David Wore A Thong

I’ve just finished watching the fourth series of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I began with five episodes on Friday and finished them off last night. It was meant to cheer me up after days of writing the novel. It left me in awe of Larry David’s genius compared with The Chipster's meagre thong skills.

Larry, as I like to call him, is a man after my own heart. He’s too honest for his own good and doesn’t play by the rules as laid down by the great unwashed. He’s the sort of person who would, for example, question the sense in attending a virtual meeting of bloggers on a muggy afternoon in July but he would go and be a fantastic success if by success we judge him by his ability to insult every person in the room. His will be a hard act to follow but I’ll give it a try this afternoon when I drop into the Blogpower awards in Second Life dressed only in my thong. I’m sure it’s something Larry would appreciate.

‘He a prig,’ said Gabby as I turned off the TV tonight and told her my plans to emulate my hero. She’d come in halfway through the final hour-long episode in which Larry gets to star in The Producers on Broadway. It didn’t take me long to realise that the whole thing was beyond the Romanian sensibility.

‘If he back home and complain like that,’ she said and then drew a finger across her throat. ‘Men like that… Complain, complain, complain… Not good. Somebody take them into barn and…’ Again, she was with the throat gesture.

‘Can you stop doing that?’ I said. ‘It’s very disconcerting.’

‘You mean this?’ she asked and stroked herself in another mortal gesture.

‘You see where we differ?’ I replied. ‘The man has an eye to foibles. He understands human nature like no other comedian before him. I could learn a few things by watching him.’

‘Pah,’ said Gabby and grabbed the remote control from my hands. She sat herself on the sofa and began to flick through the channels but only after wiping the control on the leg of her trousers.

‘What you do that for?’ I asked.

‘Do what?’

‘Why did you wipe the remote control?’

‘Did I?’

‘You did. I saw you. You wiped the remote control on your trousers before you used it.’

She shrugged and paused a moment in her flicking to watch an alligator grab a bison by its throat.

‘You paused, wiped, then used. You think I have some kind of allergy or something? You afraid a bit of my sweat might get on your fingers?’

‘I wipe control? So what? You do odd things and I never say.’

‘Such as what? You name me one thing I do like that?’

‘You scratch yourself.’

‘I what?’

‘Scratch, scratch, scratch. Chippy never stops scratching himself down there.’

‘It’s razor burn,’ I replied. ‘It’s not like I can put aftershave on.’

‘But you still scratch.’

‘Yes, well, it’s not like wiping the remote. That’s an insult to another person. My scratching is something else entirely.’

‘It more like hobby,’ she said with a cruel smile. ‘A spectator sport but not one for families.’

Is there anything worse than being out-mocked by somebody whose second language is English? It’s like having two insults in one.

‘You still didn’t answer my question,’ I said. ‘Did you wipe the remote control because I’ve been using it?’

‘Yes,’ she replied. ‘Yes, Chippy, I did. I wipe remote because you been using it.’

‘Right. Well at least you’re being honest about it,’ I told her but couldn’t let it rest there. ‘And why did you wipe it?’

‘I not say.’

That answer, I couldn’t accept. I was in the mood for the truth.

‘Come on, Gabby. Tell me the reason. I want to know what you clearly find so abhorrent about me. Spare me no shame. Give me the full explanation. Why did you wipe the remote control?’

‘Well,’ she sighed. ‘If you really must know. I think it horrible how you keep the remote control down your thong. It’s not clean. It not healthy. And remote gets covered in oil and hairs.’

‘But at least I know where it is…’ I replied but I knew the poor girl had a point. Which is precisely the kind of weakness that separates me from my hero, Larry.